Martial Arts Humor

[yokam]

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What people say: Japanese arts are the best
What people mean: I do Japanese art

What people say: This art is thousands of years old
What people mean: This art is decades years old

What people say: Martial arts are about building better people
What people mean: Martial arts are all about bruises, sweat, and money

What people say: Chinese martial arts are the best
What people mean: I practice Chinese martial arts

What people say: High kicks are stupid
What people mean: I can't do high kicks

What people say: Sparring is extremely important
What people mean: I'm good at fighting and I like it. I can't do much of anything else

What people say: Martial arts are about building better people
What people mean: Martial arts are about beating people when they a finger on you

What people say: Korean martial arts are the best
What people mean: I practice Korean martial art

What people say: Breaking techniques are very important
What people mean: We do a lot of breaking techniques

What people say: I don't believe in grades
What people mean: Nobody gave me high grades

What people say: Martial arts are about building evolved characters
What people mean: Like me

What people say: Filipino martial arts are the best
What people mean: I practice Filipino martial art

What people say: Sophisticated arts like Tai Chi or Aikido are far superior
What people mean: I'm afraid of sparring

What people say: He's a good martial arts teacher
What people mean: He's in my organization

What people say: He's a lousy martial arts teacher
What people mean: He used to be in my organization and he broke away and I can't make money out of him anymore

What people say: My style is the best
What people mean: I don't know anything about any other styles

What people say: Grades are not important
What people mean: There's a grading coming up and it's important

What people say: Breaking techniques are useless
What people mean: I can't do breaking techniques

What people say: I'm innovative, free thinking, modern Western martial arts teacher, doing my own non-classic thing
What people mean: I'm more interested in teaching than in learning; and the Orientals ignore me because they know how ignore I am

What people say: Martial arts politics are the result of official recognition by respectable organizations to protect the public
What people mean: I belong to a large, well-known organization

What people say: I hate martial arts politics
What people mean: None of the large, well-known organizations recognize me or have the slightest interest in my existence

What people say: In this system, we make the art fit the person
What people mean: In this system, we make the person fit the art

What people say: Competitions are a waste of time
What people mean: I have never won any competitions

What people say: Forms or katas are the highest expression of the inner essence of the martial art
What people mean: I've read that somewhere -- and I'm tired of tournaments

What people say: Forms or katas are useless
What people mean: Bruce Lee said that forms are useless and this relieves me a lot of effort, so argue with him

What people say: Our style is not better than another -- it's the individual that counts
What people mean: Don't go to another school -- it's the style that we teach here that counts

What people say: The techniques aren't important
What people mean: The techniques are important

What people say: The principles are important
What people mean: I wouldn't know what else to do with the principles so it's the techniques that are important

What people say: Bruce Lee didn't know what he was talking about
What people mean: I don't know what Bruce Lee was talking about

What people say: Size and strength are not important
What people mean: Size and strength are important, especially when you're fighting somebody who's bigger and stronger than you are

What people say: Science and leverage will always win brute force
What people mean: Except when he's stronger and bigger than you are

What people say: The purpose of martial arts is spiritual development and liberation from the ego
What people mean: I'm so humble and wise, it's terrific!!

[yokam]

Martial arts definitions

Aikido -- Origami with people

Buddhism -- A religious doctrine and marketing tool to populate Asia with statues of a short, fat, and bald man

Chi -- A biophysical energy generated through breathing techniques, which in defying the laws of physics and the basic scientific common sense, allows the user to develop super human strength

Dan -- A term used in the Japanese martial arts for anyone who has achieved the rank of at least first-degree black belt

Darn -- The sound uttered when the wearer of a Dan realizes that they will now get hit harder and more frequently during training

Hakama -- A skirt sometimes worn in the Martial Arts but don't really like to talk about it

Iaido -- "Way of the sword." The modern art of drawing the samurai sword from its scabbard. A rather interesting art developed around the principle of "look how big mine is"

Judo -- "Gentle way." A Japanese art where grown men roll around cuddling each other without apparently doing any damage. These men are often closet Hakama wearers

Jujitsu -- A lot like judo except that these boys like to inflict slightly more damage. Tend to get very angry when accused of being Hakama wearers and often are heard saying "You gotta a big mouth"

Karate -- "Empty hand" or "China hand." The primary purpose of this art is the destruction of wood and other natural products

Kata -- A series of prearranged maneuvers practiced in many of the Oriental martial arts in order to avoid free sparring or anything else that may involve pain

Katana -- A sharp metal stick

Master -- A title bestowed on a martial artist who has attained advanced rank after long years of study or has started his own style after achieving kyu grades in at least 4 arts, or has completed the "Become a Master by Video" course available for only 19.95 per month

Ninja -- A rather confused individual who likes sneaking around at night in his pajamas

Ninjutsu -- The art of being confused and sneaking around in your pajamas

Sparring -- Bashing each other senseless in the hope that nobody realizes that you don't know any kata or techniques

Taekwondo -- Sparring part of ballet

Tai Chi Chuan -- Another unusual art that promises ultimate power from moving very slowly for many years. The drawback being that by the time you develop the ultimate power you are close to death anyway

Tatami -- "Straw mat." A mat usually measuring three by six feet and three inches thick (with bound straw inside.) Original purpose to prevent blood stains on the wooden floor

Zen -- The discipline of enlightenment related to the Buddhist doctrine that emphasizes meditation, discipline, and the direct transmission of teachings from master to student. Mostly taught by rather old and confused monks who have had one too many rocks fall on their heads during waterfall meditation. Works best when sitting in a cave facing a wall for 10 years or so