Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you
forever.
I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing
to show for
it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called
to tell me
that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a
new haircut,
had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair
of silk
boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep
after watching
all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you
don't want
*** or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either
you're
cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the
case, I'm
gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving
away to West
Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband -
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true that
you and I have been married for seven years, although a good
man is a far
cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because
they drown
out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't
work. I DID
notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing
that came to
mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised
me not to
say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment
And when
you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused
with MY
SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because
the $49.99
price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a
coincidence that
my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that
morning. After all
of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I
hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and
bought us two
tickets to Jamaica . But when I
got home you were gone.
Everything
happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My
lawyer said
that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from
me. So take
care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister
Carla was born
Carl.
I hope that's not a problem.
The Divorce Letter
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