The Joke Only Thread

[xavisimao]

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Post your funny jokes here

[xavisimao]

A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true", the woman
wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest
of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so." The doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering,
then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'NO
REFILLS.'"

[xavisimao]

Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs, and the third has no body, just a head.They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.He pick up the head, swims back up to the surface and places it at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts:"Three long years I've spent learning to swim with my ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some prick puts a swimming cap on me !!"

[xavisimao]

Pumasok sa isang *** shop ang baklang si Monakiki na sobra ang panginginig.
"M-may ti-tinda b-ba ka-kayong vibrator?" tanong ni Monakiki sa salesman.
"Meron po," sagot ng salesman.
M-mayroon b-ba k-kayong t-tindang vibrator na may t-takak n-na K-Kingtool?"
"Meron din po."
"M-mayroon ba k-kayong K-Kingtool na te-ten i-inches ang haba at pa-five inches ang laki?"
"Meron din po."
"M-mayroon b-ba k-kayong g-ganoong style na di-di-di-baterya?"
"Meron din po."
"P-paano b-ba p-patayin `y-y-yon?" tanong ni Monakiking diretso ang panginginig.

[xavisimao]

Isang araw, pagkatapos kumain ni Juan.

Juan: "Maria nasaan na yung toothpick natin?"

Maria: "Hanapin mo sa kusina"

Juan: "Wala rito, saan mo ba nilagay?"

Maria: "Baka nasa ibabaw ng fridge"

Juan: "Eh wala na palang laman itong kahon, hindi ka ba bumili ng bago?"

Maria: "Anong wala, kabibili ko lang nyan nung makalawa, tanungin mo mga si Inday."

Juan: "Inday!!!,sandali nga lapit ka rito!"

Inday: "yis, ser."

Juan: "Alam mo ba kung sino ang umubos ng toothpick natin?"

Inday: "Aba di man ako ser."

Juan: "Eh baket naubos kaagad itong laman sa kahon?"

Inday: "Iwan ko ser...dahel ako po pagkatapos ko pong gomamet ng totpek ebenabalek ko po sa doon sa kahon"

[xavisimao]

Bago mamatay si Mr. Wong ay isa-isa nyang tinawag ang kanyang pamilya.

Mr. Wong: "Akyen junior 'ndyan ba?"

Junior: "Dito po!"

Mr. Wong: "Akyen panganay 'ndyan ba?"

Panganay: "Dito po!"

Mr. Wong: "Akyen anak na babae 'ndyan ba?"

Anak: "Dito po!"

"Akyen asawa 'ndyan ba?"

Asawa: "Honey, andito ako!"

Mr. Wong: "Walahiya! Dito kayo lahat! Wala tao tindahan!"

[xavisimao]

Kriminal 1: Pare, sigurado ka bang dito dadaan yung papatayin natin?

Kriminal 2: Oo, nagtataka nga ako, 1 oras na tayo dito wala parin siya!

Kriminal 1: Sana naman wlang nangyaring masama sa kanya.

[xavisimao]

41 Rules Men Wish Women Knew

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

3 . Don't cut your hair. Ever.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!

5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lent, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

11. Shopping is not sport.

12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

13. You have enough clothes.

14. You have too many shoes.

15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.

17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

25. Check your oil.

26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how
pretty you are?

33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done not both.

35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

41. Anyone can buy condoms.

[xavisimao]

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,
"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up

again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess,

I will stay with you for one week."

The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the

pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a

Princess, I'll stay with you and do *anything* you want."

Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess,

that I'll stay with you for a week and do *anything* you want. Why won't

you kiss me?"

The boy said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for

girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."

[hakizimana]

One does not simply....


smile on a monday