Hi guys i was scrolling in my old mails and found something that might be of interest nyo especially to those who are engaged:
> GOLDEN RULES FOR FINDING YOUR LIFE
> PARTNER
> (by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.)
>
> A relationship coach lays out his 5 golden rules for
> evaluating the prospects of long-term success.
>
> When it comes to making the decision about choosing
> a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet,
> with a divorce rate of close to 50 percent, it
> appears that many are making serious mistakes in
> their approach to finding Mr/Ms Right!
>
> If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're
> getting married, they'll say: "We're in love." I
> believe this is the #1 mistake people make when they
> date.
>
> Choosing a life partner should never be based on
> love (alone).
>
> Though this may sound not politically correct,
> there's a profound truth here. Love (alone) is not
> the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the
> result o f a good marriage. When the other
> ingredients are right, then the love will come.
>
> Let me say it again: You can't build a lifetime
> relationship on love alone. You need a lot more.
>
> Here are five questions you must ask yourself if
> you're serious about finding and keeping a life
> partner.
>
>
> QUESTION #1:
> Do we share a common life purpose?
>
> Why is this so important?
>
> Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or
> 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone.
> What do you plan to do with each other all that
> time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to
> share something deeper and more meaningful. You need
> a common life purpose. Two things can happen in a
> marriage. You can grow together, or you can grow
> apart. 50 percent of the people out there are
> growing apart.
>
> To make a marriage work, you need to know what you
> want out of life - bottom line - and marry someone
> who wants the same thing.
>
> QUES TION #2:
> Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts
> with this person?
>
> This question goes to the core of the quality of
> your relationship. Feeling safe means you can
> communicate openly with this person. The basis of
> having good communication is trust! i.e. trust that
> I won't get "punished" or hurt for expressing my
> honest thoughts and feelings.
>
> A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as
> someone with whom you feel afraid to express your
> thoughts and feelings.
>
> Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you
> feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to
> marry.
>
>
> QUESTION #3:
> Is he/she a mensch?
>
> A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive
> person.
>
> How can you test? Here are some suggestions.
>
> 1. Do they work on personal growth on a regular
> basis?
> 2. Are they serious about improving themselves?
>
> A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone
> who is always striving to be good and do the right
> thing". "So, ask about your significant other: What
> do they do with their time? Is this person
> materialistic?"
>
> Usually, a materialistic person is not someone whose
> top priority is character refinement.
>
> There are essentially two types of people in the
> world: People who are dedicated to personal growth
> and people who are dedicated to seeking comfort.
>
> Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will
> put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing.
>
>
> You need to know that before walking down the aisle.
>
>
>
> QUESTION #4:
>
> How does he/she treat other people?
>
> The one most important thing that makes any
> relationship work is the ability to give. By giving,
> we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.
> Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to
> others or are they wrapped up in themselves and
> self-absorbed?
>
> To measure this, think about the following:
>
> 1. How do they treat people whom they do not have to
> be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers,
> etc?
> 2. How do they treat parents and siblings? Do they
> have gratitude and appreciation?
> 3. Do they show respect? If they don't have
> gratitude for the people who have given them
> everything, you cannot expect that they'll have
> gratitude for you - who can't do nearly as much for
> them!
> 4. Do they gossip and speak badly about others?
> Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves
> others. You can be sure that someone who treats
> others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as
> well.
>
>
> QUESTION #5:
> Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this
> person after we're married?
>
> Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone
> with the intention of trying to "improve" them after
> they're married.
>
> As a colleague of mine puts it, "You can probably
> expect someone to change after marriage ... for the
> worse!"
>
> If you cannot fully accept this person the way they
> are now, then you are not ready to marry them.
>
> In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult
> and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little
> more with your head and less with your heart. It
> pays to be as objective as possible when you are
> dating, to be sure to ask questions that will help
> you get to the key issues.
>
> Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you
> wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want
> to find yourself in trouble because you didn't do
> your homework.
>
>
>
> HOW WILL I KNOW IF I'VE MET THE PERSON I SHOULD
> MARRY?
>
> The choice of a marriage partner should not be based
> on "I get a warm, wonderful feeling whenever we're
> together and I want to have that warm wonderful
> feeling forever, so let's go get married".
>
> Feelings, as we have discussed, have no logic on
> their own. They need to be acknowledged, of course,
> but they need considerable assistance from your
> brain.
>
> Marriage means choosing the person you will spend
> the rest of your life with. This, as you may have
> guessed, is a very long time to spend with one
> person. This person will live with you, eat meals
> with you, sleep with you and go on vacation with
> you. More important yet, this person will share your
> children. You need to choose wisely. The decision
> should not be made based on feelings alone. You need
> to ask yourself some tough questions. The decisions
> have to be made on solid considerations. Will this
> person be a good partner? Is she mature enough to
> put her own selfish desires aside to look out for
> what is best for the family? Is he prepared to be a
> good provider? What is his track record? Is he
> responsible enough to get a good job and keep it?
> Will this person be a good parent? Can you stand the
> thought of your children turning out exactly like
> this person? They will, you know. Children spend a
> lot of time with their parents and consequently pick
> up many or most of their
> parents' character traits. You had better like your
> spouse's traits a lot because you will be seeing
> them again in your children.
>
> If something were to happen to you, would you
> completely trust this person, alone, with the task
> of raising and forming your children? This is not a
> pleasant thought, but it is an important
> consideration. Not everyone dies at a ripe old age
> with great grandchildren gathered around the bed.
> Sometimes a parent dies and leaves young children in
> the care of the other parent. If you feel that you
> would need to be around to correct or lessen this
> person's influence on your children, then you are
> considering the wrong person.
>
> Does this person share your faith in God? God does
> not give us children so that we can mould them into
> the coolest, most popular people in school. Our job
> is to get them to heaven. To do that, we need to
> raise them believing in God. It is tough to do that
> if only one parent believes.
>
> Saying "This is right and that is wrong, and I want
> you to ignore Mommy until you are thirty-five" does
> not work. Small children ask about eight million
> questions in a single day. The answers to those
> questions go a long way toward forming the kind of
> adults they will become. Who will be answering those
> questions for your children?
>
> Does this person you are marrying have sexual
> self-control? Single people sometimes have this idea
> that marriage is just some kind of lifelong ***
> festival and that as long as they have each other,
> they will never be tempted by other people. Wrong!
>
> There are many times in every marriage when one
> partner or the other is sexually unavailable -
> illness, the last months of pregnancy, travel.
>
> There are also times when spouses, just get on each
> otherâ€Â(tm)s nerves. At times like this, other
> people can seem very appealing. That can be
> dangerous, because there are plenty of very
> attractive people out there who are willing to make
> themselves available to married men and women. Do
> you want someone who has never said "no" to ***? If
> he is not good at saying "no" at eighteen, it won't
> be different at forty. Do you want to worry about
> whether or not your Spouse is being faithful?
>
> These are very important questions, and if you are
> not comfortable with all of the answers, you should
> definitely not marry this person.
>
> None if this is to say that feelings play no role at
> all in a marriage decision. You don't have to,
> "Well, I suppose that you would make a good spouse
> and parent, so even though I don't particularly like
> you I guess I'll marry you'. You need to be happy
> and excited about the prospect of spending your life
> with someone. Your brain however must acknowledge
> that this person as a good choice.
>
> Don't listen to your heart alone nor your head
> alone. Wait until your heart and head agree.A
> Soulful Relationship
> by Rev. Ronald McFadden
>
> If you're not married yet, share this with a friend.
> If you are married, share it with your spouse or
> other married couples and reflect on it.
>
> An African proverb states, "Before you get married,
> keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one
> eye."
>
> Before you get involved and make a commitment to
> someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity,
> ignorance, pressure from others or a low
> self-esteem, make you blind to warning signs. Keep
> your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you
> can change someone or that what you see as faults
> aren't really important.
>
> Once you decide to commit to someone, over time his
> or her flaws, vulnerabilities, pet peeves, and
> differences will become more obvious. If you love
> your mate and want the relationship to grow and
> evolve, you've got to learn to close one eye and not
> let every little thing bother you. You and your mate
> have many different expectations, emotional needs,
> values, dreams, weaknesses, and strengths. You are
> two unique individual children of God who have
> decided to share a life
> together.
>
> Neither of you are perfect, but are you perfect for
> each other? Do you bring out the best in each other?
>
>
> Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or
> do you compete, compare, and control? What do you
> bring to the relationship? Do you bring past
> relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?
> You can't take someone to the altar to
> alter him or her. You can't make someone love you or
> make someone stay.
>
> If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment,
> and "a life", you won't find yourself making someone
> else responsible for your happiness or responsible
> for your pain.
>
> Manipulation, control, jealousy, neediness, and
> selfishness are not the ingredients of a thriving,
> healthy, loving and lasting relationship! Seeking
> status, ***, wealth, and security are the wrong
> reasons to be in a relationship. What keeps a
> relationship strong?
>
> Communication, intimacy, trust, a sense of humor,
> sharing household tasks, some getaway time without
> business or children and daily exchanges (a meal,
> shared activity, a hug, a call, a touch, a note).
>
> Leave a nice message on the voicemail or send a nice
> email.
>
> Sharing common goals and interests. Growth is
> important. Grow together, not away from each other,
> giving each other space to grow without feeling
> insecure. Allow your mate to have outside interest.
> You can't always be together. Give each
> other a sense of belonging and assurances of
> commitment. Don't try to control one another. Learn
> each other's family situation. Respect his or her
> parents regardless.
>
> Don't put pressure on each other for material goods.
> Remember for richer or for poorer. If these
> qualities are missing, the relationship will erode
> as resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect,
> dishonesty, and pain replace the passion.
>
> The difference between 'United' and 'Untied' is
> where you put the i.Keeping a Relationship
> It's best to wait for the one you want than settle
> for the one available. Best to wait for the one you
> love than one who's around. Best to wait for the
> right one because life's too short to be wasted on
> just someone.
>
>
> What keeps a relationship strong?
> - communication
> - intimacy
> - a sense of humor
> - sharing household tasks
> - some getaway time without business or children
> - daily exchanges (a meal, shared activity, a hug, a
> call, a touch, a note)
> - sharing common goals and interests
> - giving each other space to grow without feeling
> insecure
> - giving each other a sense of belonging and
> assurances of commitment
> - asking God to be the center of your relationship
>
> If these qualities are missing, the relationship
> will erode as resentment, withdrawal, abuse,
> neglect, dishonesty and pain replace the passion.
>
> As long as we have memories, yesterday remains.
> As long as we have hope, tomorrow awaits.
> As long as we have friendship, today is beautiful.
>
> Love is when you take away the feeling, the passion,
> and the romance in a relationship and find out that
> you still care for that person.
how will you know of this person is the right person to be married with?
Originally Posted by beyee
hehehe! 
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