MY JOKES FOR EVERYONE

[nolex]

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i'm kinda tired of making new topics for each joke... so instead, i am creating this thread for all of my jokes... and i hope if you have some jokes too, you can share it here...

thanks..

[nolex]

Grass Eater

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, please come to my house!"

"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."

"Bring them along!" the rich man said.

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."

The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"


The End is Near

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"



The FAtty Manager Retirement Party

The boss is finally fat enough to retire from the company. On his last day of work, he ordered a farewell party for himself. The boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card, so later he could remember how his staff "miss" him.
Most people are writing standard phrases like, "Without you, the company will never be the same,"

"We will always remember you," etc.

Obviously the boss was not satisfied. "I need something from the bottom of your heart, something really touching, you know. Okay, Serge, you have been working with me for the last 20 years. You are my best staff. I am retiring now. What do you have to say?"

Slowly but firmly, Serge wrote, "THE BEST NEWS IN 20 YEARS."


Wedding Hells

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. “But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”
“Quiet!” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say,”

“And I said be quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you, the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding so he’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the guy in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

[jmbernz]

nice joke...

[BloomerBeak]

You are sooooooo fired, Mr. Officer...hehehe

[psyd_1]

hahahaha...deadmeat ka mr. officer sir!

[T1CODE]

patay si sir...
hehehe

[nolex]

just for laughs....

BED TALK..
Boy: is this your first time?
Girl: (angrily) Oo naman noh! You guys talaga always
asking me the same question!
 
Lalake: Dong, mabaw ning suba?
Bata: Oo nong!
Lalake: (nilukso sa suba) Pisti tabang! Kalalum, ingon
ka dong mabaw!
Bata: Mabaw bitaw nong nitabok gani ang itik ganina!
 
Joe: Pre, kada gabii ko sige kuhiton sa akong misis.
Unsay akong himoon?
Ned: Ka ok ra ana pre! Unsa may problema nimo?
Joe: Hadlok ko, tulo na cya ka tuig namatay!
 
Teacher: Unsay angay buhaton pag maglinog?
Pupil: Mag suga sir!
Teacher: Ha! Ngano man?
Pupil: Nag linog sa amo payag kada gabii sir, pag siga
nako sa suga mo undang dayon!


Doc: What happened to your ears?
Pedro Namlantsa man gud ko doc, then ni ring ang
telepono, pagtubag nako, ang plantsa ang akong
nagunitan instead sa phone.
Doc: Why both ears man?
Pedro: Ang boang nitawag ug balik!
 
Nanay: Bogo jud kayo ka oi! 1-10 dili ka ka ihap ug
tiwas!
Anak: Mas bogo si Tatay nay..
Nanay: Kay ngano man aber?
Anak: Ako cya nadungan kausa nga ni ingon cya Di na ko
day kutob ra tulo ako ma kaya!


Dear Dodong,
Sa sunod bah, Carnation Non-fat Milk lang ang ipadala
kay nagkalibanga imong Tatay sa Nivea Moisturizing
Milk. Daghang Salamat..
Nanay


Lolo: Jhonny kuhaa akong kape
Apo: Lo, jenny po
Lolo: Jhonny palihug ko sa kutchara
Apo: Lo, Jenny po
Lolo: Punyeta ka Jhonny, ayaw pag sige ug binayot dha!

Nun: Mother superior, Ive been raped by 5 men!
Sister: Dios mio! Eat this CALAMANSI fruit!
Nun: Will this help me calm down?
Sister: Gaga! Amaw para ma wala nang imong katawa sa
nawong!

Anak: Daddy, ngano sige man ga-agulo si Mommy kada
gabie?
Daddy: Wala lang nak happy lang siya..
Anak: Mao bah? Imo buot pasabot kada gabie cya happy
bisag katong naa paka SAUDI!

Ang mga bugo…
Bugo1: Pre, 2+2 kuno beh?
Bugo2: Kana lang? Eh di 5!
Bugo1: Bwahahahaaa! !
Bugo2: Ngano nikatawa man ka?
Bugo1: Wala lang abi nako wala ka kabalo!
 

Pa ngilngiggay gamit ug Samurai:
Indian: Waaah! Langaw patay!
Hapon: Wata! Langaw putol ulo!
Pinoy: wata ( Langaw milupad ghapon)
Hapon: Oi! Ngano lupad man ghapon na?
Pinoy: Aw patyon diay? Abe nako tuli-on lang!

 
News Flash Report!
2 ka bayot..nag jogging sa plaza gi rape!
 
Pagka ugma…
Ang plaza nagubot…
Trapik kayo…
 
Kay 1000 ka bayot..nag jogging!!!
 

Studyante nasakpan may kodigo
Teacher: unsa ni?
Student: prayer nako mam!
Teacher: unya nganong answers man ang nakasulat?
Student: hala! Gitubag ang akong prayer mam!
 

Pasyente: Dok, malala po b sakit ko?
Doktor: nanunood ka b ng bituing walang ning2?
Pasyente: opo pero ano koneksyon nun?
Doktor: Sayang di mo na kse matapos

Juan: Kamusta exam bai?
Pedro: pangit, wa koy naanseran! Blank paper ra akong
gisubmit!
Juan: Na, ako pud blank paper, unsaon na ni? Dili kaha
ta masakpan ani abi nalang nila nagkinopyahay ta!

Husband: you know what dear, if you are only good in
cooking we can save P1,000 sa maid
Wife: sweetheart if you are only good in bed, we can
also save P2,000 sa driver!

A ship sank..2 sailors adrift..
Sailor 1: Lord, palahubog mi, mga sugarol, botakal nya
daghan mi mga kabit. If you
Save us Lord we promise to ..
Sailor 2: Taymsa! Ayaw sa promise naa ko nakit-an na
island!
 

Cabinet member: Mr. President our population growth
rate is very alarming, there is 1
Woman giving birth every minute!
Erap: We have to stop this and look for that woman!


Parrot shouted to three nuns passing by, Blue, black,
red the nuns were amazed because those were the colors
of their panties.
The second day the parrot shouted.. Yellow, white,
green Parrot got the correct colors of their panties
yet again!
On the third day, the nuns decided not to put on
panties..The parrot got confused but quickly recovered
and yelled, KULOT, UBANON, OPAW!

In a call center..
Kano: Hello? Is this Texas Technology Company Makati?
Lady operator: Come again sir?
Kano: Is this T.T. Co Makati?
Lady Operator: Eh di kamutin mo! Gago!

2 ka amiga hubog sa bar. Paguli, niagi sa cemetery.
Nangalibang ang duha. Ang usa gigamit ang panty para
itrapo ug gilabay; ug ang usa, nakakitag wreth sa
lubong ug maoy gitrapo.
Pagkabuntag, ang ilang bana nagkita…
Bitoy: Pre, bantayan nato ang atong mga misis, ang ako
nipauli kagabii wa nay panty.
Berting: Ang ako mas grabe pre dunay card nipilit sa
iyang lobot nga nag-ingon, well never forget you, from
all the guys at the Fire Dept.!
 
Two gays saw a dog licking its own thingy…
Gay 1: Sana magawa ko din yun!
Gay 2 Try mo! Mukha namang mabait ung aso eh!
 
Son: Tay kasab-an ko ako maestro ganina!
Tatay: Ha! Ngano man?
Son: Ako gi kiss-san ako seatmate ganina!
Tatay: tong anak ko, liwat jud nako dah! He,he,he nya
lami bah?
Son: Opo tay, gwapo kayo siya!


Maid: Sir, ito po ang brief na naiwan mo sa kama ko…
Sir: Huwag kang maingay, baka marinig ng maam moh
Maid: Hindi! Tulog pa yon sa kwarto ng DRIVER!
 
Pedro bumps a foreigner. ….
 
Pedro: ay sorry
Foreigner: Sorry 2.
Pedro: sorry 3!
Foreigner: What are you sorry 4?
Pedro: sori 5!
Foreigner: I think you are sick!
Pedro: Bwahahaa sick kuno! Bugo ay, six oi!

Boy1: Bakit bad trip ka?
Boy2: Tampo sa akin utol ko!
Boy1: Bakit naman?
Boy2: Nakalimutan ko birthday niya!
Boy1: Yun lang! Ano masama dun?
Boy2: Twins kami!
 
Guy: Atty, gusto ko mag ilis ug name.
Atty: Ngano man? Unsa diay name nimo?
Guy: Jograd putig-tae
Atty: bitaw bati-a jud, unsa gusto nimo name iilis?
Guy: Caloy putig-tae (bwahaaaha)
 

Mama: Anak dili ka manguyab sa mga dalaga ning baryoha
ha kay puro imong paryente.
Anak: O ma!
Mama: O ngano tutok man ka sa baka?
Anak: Mama sad oy hasta baka akong paryente?

Titser: Juan, use DOES in a sentence….
Juan: Maam, the carabao doesmag the tree!
Titser: What? What?
Juan: Matabang nimo ug huwat nga nadasmag na!
 
Customer: Waiter! Kadugay gud sa akong order, pila man
diay ang cook ninyo dire?
Waiter: Ay sir wala man mi coke dinhi, pipsi laang!
Pipsi!
 
Asawa: boang ka! Bayot ka man diay! Diha na ka!
Bana: Love, asa man ka?
Asawa: mulakaw ko! Mangita kog laki!
Bana: duhaa lab ha tag usa ta!
 
Juan: Isaag ra gud ning iring, ilabay sa layu
Pedro: Oki!
Juan: O, ngano na gab-hian man ka lagi?
Pedro: Litseng iringa na! Kng wala ko nisunod sa iyaha
di ko kauli! Bweset!
 
Pare1: Ganiha rako tuyok2 waman jud nangagda kaon,
fiesta man unta, mayka diha
Nangikki naka!
Pare2: Na pre, ug wapa nako daginuta akong kiki
nakuyapan nako!
 
Mam: Kung wala nakay usa ka dungan, ma unsa man ka?
Bata: mo hinay akong pag dungog!
Mam: Kung duha ka dungan?
Bata: ma buta ko!
Mam: Ha! Ngano man?
Bata: matagak akong eyeglass!

[chadix24_7]

ayayay! nice one! LOL

[ares623]

hahaha!

Doc: What happened to your ears?
Pedro Namlantsa man gud ko doc, then ni ring ang
telepono, pagtubag nako, ang plantsa ang akong
nagunitan instead sa phone.
Doc: Why both ears man?
Pedro: Ang boang nitawag ug balik!

favorite nako!

[friedrich]

ako ganahan nga linya ky:
Pedro: Bwahahaa sick kuno! Bugo ay, six oi!


-napay pina-adlbib nga, "bugoy ay"....waheehehe