cool operator's cool comedy!

[cool_operator]

---

bata: tay, unsa man nang escalator
tatay: ay dah hagdan, sakyan pasaka kanaog
bata: kanang elevator tay?
tatay: kahon, sakyan pasaka-kanaog
bata: kanang calculator tay?
tatay: ah kana wala pa ko kasakay ana!

[cool_operator]

erap: loi, pasahi ra gud kog load 2 lang importante lng. emergency txt nlng ni ako txt nimo

tutut! tutut!

erap: got it! tnx
loi: hoy inatay yaw pagreply.. sayang!
erap: ah ok!

[vrad03]

daghana na jud na influence ni teban ug goliath dah... kataw anan jud ning mga taw hana...

[cool_operator]

Little Johnny's father said, "let me see your report card."
Johnny replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

~~~~~

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can

little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to

his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

~~~~~

Teachers never give up, and neither does Little Johnny. She asks him,

"Can you name the Great Lakes?"
You know Johnny, he is always fast with an answer, and he pipes up

with, "I don't need to. They've already been named."

~~~~~

The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good

and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want

to go?"
"Heaven!" Suzy cried out.
"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the preacher.
"Six feet under!", yelled Little Johnny.

~~~~~




One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a

show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same

sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with,

"My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in

it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little

Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out

beautifully," he said.
"Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny. "Last night, at the

dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he

said, 'Beautiful, ...just ****ing beautiful!

~~~~~

One day Little Johnny's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet,

she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was *highly* upsetting to her.

She hid the magazine until his father got home. When Little Johnny's

father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and

said, "THIS is what I found in "your" son's closet."
He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
Several minutes passed, then she finally asked him,
"Well what should we do about this?"
Little Johnny's dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you

should spank him."

~~~~~

[cool_operator]

The arithmetic teacher had written 10.9 on the blackboard and had

then rubbed out the decimal point to show the effect of multiplying this

number by ten.
"Johnny," the teacher asked, "where is the decimal point now?"
"On the eraser!" came back the quick reply.

~~~~~

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar

after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him

said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will

give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."
Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business!"

~~~~~

Little Mary was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor

peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was

up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Mary?"
"My goldfish died," replied Mary tearfully, without looking up, "and

I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a

goldfish, isn't it?"
Mary patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because

he's inside your cat."

~~~~~

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,

including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially interested when

they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were

ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going

to have a wife."

~~~~~

Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny hollers out

... "Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I, Little

Johnny, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in ***-education

class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain

parties residing in this house!"

~~~~~

"Hey, Mom," asked Little Johnny, "can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not!" answered his mother.
"If you do," Little Johnny went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to

the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over

the money. "Well? what did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Juanita, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.'"

~~~~~

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in

arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said 6.
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'
"What's the ****ing difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

~~~~~

"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when Little Johnny delivered

his pizza.
"Well," Little Johnny replied, "this is my first delivery, but the

other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great."
"That so?" grunted the man. "In that case, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," Little Johnny said, "I'll put it in my college fund."
"By the way, what are you studying?" asked the man.
"Applied psychology," replied Little Johnny.

~~~~~

[cool_operator]

Little Johnny was heard by his mother reciting his homework: "Two

plus two, the son of a bitch is four; four plus four, the son of a bitch

is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a bitch...'"
"Johnny !" shouted his mother. "Watch your language! You're not

allowed to use the swearwords."
"But, Mom," replied the boy, "that's what the teacher taught us, and

she said to recite it out loud till we learned it."
Next day Johnny's mother went right into the classroom to complain.

"Oh, heavens !" said the teacher. "That's not what I taught them. They're

supposed to say, 'Two plus two, the sum of which is four.' "

~~~~~

Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about

his family trip. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."
The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"
Little Johnny said, "Actually, we went to Ohio."

~~~~~

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold

cream on her face.
"Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

~~~~~

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going

into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane

kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he

runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS

AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car

go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving

Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt

Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the

seat, then Daddy..."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an

interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I

want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He

describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the

seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle

Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

~~~~~

Third Grade

It was the first day of third grade in a new town for Little Johnny.

As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the

students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or

40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn’t get past 20. Little Johnny,

however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without

any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how

well he had done.
His dad nodded and told him, "That’s because you are from Alabama,

son."
The next day, in Language Class, the teacher asked the students to

recite the alphabet. It’s third grade, so most could make it half way

through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Little Johnny

rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny

once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school.
His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That’s because you are from

Alabama, son."
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers.

Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed

overly "well endowed." This confused him. That night he told his dad,

"Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than

theirs. Is that because I’m from Alabama?" he asked.
"No, son," explained his Dad, "That’s because you’re 18."

~~~~~

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson

about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a

glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe

closely the worms," said the professor first putting a worm into the

water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water

could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully,

and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson

can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey

and you won't get worms!"

~~~~~

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents

for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She

shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some

flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She

held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of

candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, Little Johnny.

The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop

with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," Little Johnny answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?"

she asked.
"No," he answered.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
Little Johnny replied, "A puppy!"

~~~~~

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says

that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no

other animal in the world does this.
Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah.

The neighbors' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went

"ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "****

OFF!", the dog ate him!"

~~~~~

[cool_operator]

Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his

father called the teacher to tell her that little Johnny was a big

gambler. She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than

that.
After Little Johnny's first day at his new school his father called

the teacher to see how it went.
She said, "I think I broke his gambling".
The father asked how and she said, "He bet me $5.00 that I had a mole

on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money."
"DAMN!" said the father.
"What's wrong?", the teacher asked.
Little Johnny's father said, "This morning he bet me $100.00 he would

see his teacher's butt before the day was over!"

Submitted by KMCM

~~~~~

"Little Johnny Strikes Again"

A grade school teacher in Tennessee asked her students to use the

word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My

family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his sheep. It was

fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word

fascinate, not fascinating."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to Graceland and I

was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to

use the word fascinate, not fascinated."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she

had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no

way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Little Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a shirt with ten buttons, but

her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher cried.

__________________________________________________ __________________

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She

started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand

up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do

you think you're stupid, Little Johnny? "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you

standing there all by yourself!"

__________________________________________________ __________________

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that her students

might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas

season emphasis on His birth. She wanted to make sure they understood

that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc.

So she asked her class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand

and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my

heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I

know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at

the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a

loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, she gathered her wits and

asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, "Well...every

morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus

Christ, are you still in there?!"

__________________________________________________ __________________

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

__________________________________________________ __________________

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local

police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of

the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture

and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the

policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny

asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

__________________________________________________ __________________

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in grades

and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless

because of this. The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask

first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself

"Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln."
The teacher said "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny was MAD that Susie had answered the question first.
The teacher asked another question, "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King".
The teacher said, "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny was even madder than before.
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for

you'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John F. Kennedy".
The teacher said, "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny was BOILING mad that he had not been able to answer to any of the

questions.
Then the teacher turned her back and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches

would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turned around and asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny said, BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?"

[cool_operator]

Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that

they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so

Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand.

Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in

love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny,

you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In

Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,

"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll

need to support Susie."

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance... Susie makes 5 bucks a

week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that

should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much

thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with

something that Johnny won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got

everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What

will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so

far..."

__________________________________________________ __________________

Johnny was visiting a friend of his in New York during the winter. He and

his friend went outside to play in the snow. After about an hour, his

friend's mother called them back inside and had them remove their

galoshes and gloves. Johnny's friend's mom was a tall voluptuous, woman

who would warm her son's hands by putting them between her thighs. So as

usual, when her son came in from playing in the snow, she asked if his

hands were cold, to which he replied "yes." She then put them together

and stuck them between her warm thighs. After a few minutes, she asked

"are they warm yet?" and the little boy said "yes." Johnny watched his

friend and waited his turn. His friend's mom then asked him if his hands

were cold, to which he replied, "Yes." So she took his hands, put them

together and stuck them between her thighs. After a few minutes she asked

if his hands were "warm yet" and he said "yes." So she took them out.

Johnny continued to stand there with a sly shit eating grin on his face.

When the mom asked "well what is it now, Johnny? What's wrong? Johnny

looked up at her and replied "My ears are cold too!"

__________________________________________________ __________________

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new

21 speed mountain bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It

must have cost $300," he asked.

"Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."

"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth."

"That is the truth," Johnny replied. "Every night you were gone, Mom's

boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill

and tell me to take a hike!"

__________________________________________________ __________________

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.

"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going

to report you."

"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.

"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"


__________________________________________________ __________________

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night,

in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he

peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react,

Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your

back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable

questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts

moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the

part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"


__________________________________________________ __________________

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his

mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I

need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this

several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning.

When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little

Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed,

started stroking himself, and moaning "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a

bike!"

__________________________________________________ __________________

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was

playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started

swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his

temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief

moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon

started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again

caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you

for one month!" Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner,

and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen

floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches

were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father

standing there watching her, to which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell

her, daddy, or do you want me to?"

__________________________________________________ __________________

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of *** education with her

fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for

sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire

lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for

examples of *** education from the class. One little boy raises his hand,

"I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed

the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's

nice," replied the teacher. Finally, Little Johnny raises his hand. With

much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV

yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and

hundreds of Indians, and they all attacked at one time. He killed every

one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled,

"And what does that have to do with *** education, Johnny?" "It'll teach

those Indians not to **** with the Lone Ranger."

[cool_operator]

Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is. Her reply is, "Gentlemen

don't ask ladies that question." Johnny then asks his mother how much she

weighs. Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that

question." The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?" To this, the

mother says, "you shouldn't ask that" and then sends him to his room. On

the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse. When he picks

it up, her driver's license falls out. The boy looks it over and goes

back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You are 36 years

old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in

***!!!"

__________________________________________________ __________________

Little Johnny is running around the house making life miserable for his

mother. She says, "Johnny, why don't you go across the street and watch

them build that house. Maybe you can learn some neat things." Johnny

disappears for about four hours and returns later in the afternoon. "Did

you learn anything interesting today?" his mother asks. "I learned how to

hang a door," Johnny replies. Mom says, "That's great! How do you do

that?" "Well, first you get the son of bitch. Then, you slap the piece of

shit up there but it's too damn small. So you shave a cunt hair off here

and a cunt hair off there and put the damn thing up." Johnny's mom is

floored by his language. "You go to your room and wait until your father

gets home!!" Later, Johnny's dad goes into his room and says, "I

understand you got in a little trouble today." "All I did was tell Mom

how to hang a door." "Why don't you tell me," Dad asks. "Well, first you

get the son of bitch. Then you slap the piece of shit up there but it's

too damn small. So you shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off

there and put the damn thing up". Dad screams, "That's it young man. You

go get a switch from the back yard." Johnny looks at his dad and says,

"screw you, that's the electrician's job!"

__________________________________________________ __________________

Little Johnny is bored all day, hanging around the house. He goes into

his parents room and finds them having ***. "What are you doing?" Johnny

asks. "Uh, well, we're dancing." replies his mother. "What's daddy

doing?" "He's my partner, now run along." A few nights later, Johnny goes

into his sisters room and catches her having *** with her boyfriend.

"What are you doing?" "Ummm, dancing." "What's your boyfriend doing?"

"He's my partner, now get out of here!" Then Thanksgiving came around and

Johnny's relatives were at his house. Johnny went into the bathroom and

saw his grandfather beating his meat. "What are you doing?" Johnny once

again asks. "Why I'm dancing." said his grandfather. "Well, where is your

partner?" His grandfather replied, "When you've danced as long as I have,

you don't need a partner."

__________________________________________________ __________________

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher

picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds

sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be

left?" "None.", replied Johnny,"cause the rest would fly away." "Well,

the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are

thinking." Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there

were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone,

the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one

is married? "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking

the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on

her finger. But I like the way you're thinking!"

__________________________________________________ __________________

Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher,

indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the

differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit

down and have a talk with Johnny about this." Johnny's mother quietly

took him by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closed the door. She

said, "First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..." Little Johnny

unbuttoned her blouse and took it off. She continued, "Now take off my

skirt..." He removed her skirt. "Take off my bra..." which he did. "And

now, Johnny, please take off my panties." When Johnny had finished

removing his mother's panties, she said, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any

of my clothes to school any more!

__________________________________________________ __________________

One day a 5th grade class was taking a field trip but the weather was

extremely bad and the trip was to be delayed and they had to stay in a

hotel for the night. So Little Johnny was sleeping in the same room as

his teacher. In the middle of the night the teacher woke up and was

frightened by the sight of Johnny standing right over her. He asked if he

could sleep with her cause he couldn't sleep. She said okay, then Johnny

asked to lay a little closer and she said okay. Then he asked if he could

put his finger in her belly button...and she said "NO". "But my mommy

lets me do it when I can't sleep and it helps." So the teacher says "

okay fine, do whatever your mom lets you do." and a few minutes later the

teacher says "OH...that not my bellybutton." And Johhny says, "thats not

my finger."

__________________________________________________ __________________

There is a teacher teaching *** ed to a bunch of 5th graders. She walks

to the chalk board and draws a huge ***** on the board! She truns to the

class and simply asked the class, "Class, does any one know what that

is?" The class sits silently for a second or two than little johnny

stands from the back! He yells, "I know what that is! It's a *****! I

know cause my dad's got two! The small one he pee's from, the big one he

brushes the babysitters teeth with!"

__________________________________________________ __________________

Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of

town all week and said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in

the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady

from next door. They undressed and got into bed and then Daddy got on top

of her and ...." The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word!

Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly

what you've just told me." The father came home and the wife tells him

that she's leaving him. "But why?" croaked the husband. "Go ahead,

Johnny. Tell Daddy what you've just told me." "Well," said little Johnny,

"I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next

door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of

her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob."

__________________________________________________ __________________

A salesman rang the door bell and little Johnny answered. The salesman

asked if his father as at home. Little Johnny: "Yes." The salesman:

"Well, can I see him please?" Little Johnny: "No, he is in the shower."

The Salesman asked if his mother was at home. Little Johnny: "Yes." The

Salesman: "Well can I see her?" Little Johnny: "No, she's in the shower

too.." The Salesman: "Do you think they will be out soon?" Little Johnny:

"No." The salesman asked why. Little Johnny: "Well, when my dad asked me

for the vaseline I gave him some super glue instead."

__________________________________________________ __________________

So this teacher is teaching her grade four class, and she's telling them

that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this

word in a sentence, and several people stick up their hands. "Carl," she

says. Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps,

'cause they're contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. Then she picks

Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious," and the teacher says,

"Excellent, Suzie!" Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up,

at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?" she says. Johnny says, "The

other day, me and my dad's a-sittin around, and we saw our blonde

neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush,

and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my

dad says to me, "Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that

fence."

[cool_operator]

Little Johnny was at school one day when the teacher was asking

questions. The teacher said, "I have something in this bag. It's a fruit,

crunchy and red. What is it?" Little Johnny piped up and said, "that's

easy, it is an apple." "Very good," the teacher said. Little Johnny was

not done yet. "Teacher, now I have a question for you. I have something

in my pocket that's round and hard, and has a head on one end." "Go to

the office now!" the teacher screamed, because she knew what a dirty mind

Johnny had. Little Johnny said, "it's only a quarter, but I really like

your thinking."

__________________________________________________ __________________

A police officer had a perfect hiding place for catching speeders. But

one day, everyone was under the speed limit. The officer found the

problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a

huge hand-painted sign which said:

"RADAR TRAP AHEAD"

A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's

accomplice,... Little Johnny, about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with

a sign reading:

"TIPS" and a bucket at his feet........... full of change.

__________________________________________________ __________________

Little Johnny's Letter to Santa


You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December.

Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have

occurred since the beginning of the month! While filled with illusion I

wrote you a letter and I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a

pair of rollerblades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain

studying the whole year! Not only was I the first in my class, but I had

the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, Santa,

there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me.

With my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors, I would

go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street. There was

virtually nothing I wouldn't do for humanity! WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING

ME A ****ING YO-YO, A STUPID ASS WHISTLE, AND A PAIR OF SOCKS! WHAT THE

**** WERE YOU THINKING, YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH? YOU'VE TAKEN ME FOR A

SUCKER THE WHOLE ****ING YEAR, TO COME OUT WITH SOME SHIT LIKE THIS UNDER

THE DAMN TREE. AS IF YOU HADN'T ****ED ME ENOUGH, YOU GAVE THAT LITTLE

SHITHEAD ACROSS THE STREET SO MANY ****ING TOYS, THAT HE CAN'T EVEN WALK

INTO HIS DAMN HOUSE! PLEASE DON'T LET ME SEE YOU TRYING TO FIT YOUR BIG

FAT ASS DOWN MY CHIMNEY NEXT YEAR! I'LL **** YOU UP! I'LL THROW ROCKS AT

THOSE STUPID ASS REINDEERS OF YOURS, AND SCARE THEM THE **** AWAY, SO

YOU'LL HAVE TO WALK YOUR BIG FAT ASS BACK TO THE NORTHPOLE, JUST LIKE I

HAVE TO DO SINCE YOU DIDN'T GET ME THAT ****ING BIKE, YOU PUNK BITCH!!

YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA, **** YOU!! NEXT YEAR YOU'LL FIND OUT HOW BAD I CAN

REALLY ****ING BE...YOU'VE BEEN SLEEPING ON A MOTHER****ER FAR TOO LONG!

SO WATCH YOUR BACK NEXT YEAR, YOU FAT BITCH!

Sincerely, Johnny

__________________________________________________ _____________________


Little Johhny was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He’d been

playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the

house and asked her,

“Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room

and one is on top of the other?”

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. “It’s

called sexual intercourse, darling.”

Little Johnny just said, “Oh, OK” and went back outside to talk and play

with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said

angrily,

“Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It’s called Bunk Beds!”

“And Jimmy’s Mom wants to talk to you”!!

__________________________________________________ ___________________

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a

living.

Timmy stood up and said, “My mom is a doctor!”

Sarah stood up and said, “My father is a professor!”

Little Johnny stood up and said, “My dad is a piano player in a

whorehouse!”

The teacher couldn’t believe what she’s had just heard, so she made a

point of calling Little Johnny’s father that evening to discuss the

situation. Little Johnny’s father explained,

“Actually, I’m a law attorney, but how am I supposed to explain that to a

seven year old kid!”

__________________________________________________ _______________________

Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.

His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell

his mother what he wanted. “Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.”

Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at

school and at home. Johnny’s mother asked him if he thought he deserved

to get a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did.

Johnny’s mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his

behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he

deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Johnny stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God

a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my

birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,
Johnny
Johnny knew this wasn’t true. He had not been a very good boy this year,

so he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:

Dear God,

This is your friend Johnny. I have been a pretty good boy this year and I

would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,
Johnny
Johnny knew this wasn’t true either. He tore up the letter and started

again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God,

I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my

birthday.

Johnny
Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either.

Johnny was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted

to go church. “Just be home in time for dinner”, his mother said.

Johnny walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He

looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the

Virgin Mary and slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church,

down the street, into his house, and up to his room.

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen

Johnny began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 4:

I’VE GOT YOUR MOM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed

YOU KNOW WHO