Dear Employees,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of
economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers
of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be
known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible
for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination) .. Persons
who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW
programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be
RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management
deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel
Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not
be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much
SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has
always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should
you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the
attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all
the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Management
Financial crisis letter
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