Chuck Norris Jokes

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1. The Dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. ONCE.
2. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
3. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
4. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
6. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
7. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
8. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
9. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there.
10. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement
11. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
12. Chuck Norris’ thingy is so large that it actually warps the fabric of space-time. Indeed some physicists now theorize that the passage of time is merely a byproduct of Norris’ colossal erections. This is known as the “Chuck Norris’ big c*ck theory of space-time”.
13. Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever the f**k he wants.
14. As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
15. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris
16. If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the f**k down.
17. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!” The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
18. To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
19. Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.
20. Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
21. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
22. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
23. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
24. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having *** with his waitress.
25. They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn’t take nuts from anybody.
26. Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
27. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
28. When Chuck Norris has *** with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
29. MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
30. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
31. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
32. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.” After you ask, “Two seconds to what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
33. Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
34. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
35. Chuck Norris appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
36. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
37. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
38. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
39. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck given, and the good Chuck, he take away.
40. Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t f**k with Chuck!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
41. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
42. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
43. Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
44. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
45. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
46. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
47. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
48. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
49. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
50. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
51. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
52. Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
53. If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
54. On the 7th day, God rested…. Chuck Norris took over.
55. When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.
56. Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
57. Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
58. God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
59. When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
60. Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
61. A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
62. Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.
63. Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
64. Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.
65. If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
66. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
67. When Chuck Norris’ wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, “don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”
68. Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
69. Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.
70. If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
71. Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.
72. Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.
73. Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.
74. Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
75. Chuck Norris invented water.
76. Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”
77. One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
78. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
79. Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.
80. Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
81. Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
82. In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.
83. Chuck Norris once commented, “There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none.”
84. Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.
85. When observing a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick in slow motion, one finds that Chuck Norris actually rapes his victim in the ass, smokes a cigarette with Dennis Leary, and then roundhouse kicks them in the face.
86. Chuck Norris owns a restaurant called the round house café. The only thing on the menus is pain and untimely death.
87. Chuck Norris shits pure gold
88. Chuck Norris doesn’t cut his grass. He stands in his yard and dares it to grow.
89. Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is “The Two”
90. When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to chuck,”excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole”. Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, im Chuck Norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.
91. China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.
92. Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about
93. If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you
94. Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.
95. When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors
96. Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty
97. Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger
98. Chuck Norris had *** with himself and gave birth to king kong
99. Chuck Norris doesn’t get punched in the face he head butts peoples fists
100. Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.
101. Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his foot and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die
102. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer
103. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
104. Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own
105. Chuck Norris’ evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Chuck with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard’s curly, well kept hair, Chuck Norris became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic badass, The Incredible Hulk
106. Chuck Norris doesn’t worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to
107. Chuck Norris once defeated the sun in a staring contest
108. Chuck Norris let the dogs out
109. Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
110. Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
111. Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.
112. Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.
113. Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
114. Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.
115. The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
116. Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.
117. Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
118. If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
119. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris
120. Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16.... Seconds
121. Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked.
122. Chuck Norris doesn't kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris kills all birds, with two stones. The ones in his pants.
123. When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
124. Chuck Norris wipes his ass with sandpaper.
125. Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.
126. Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.
127. Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.
128. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
129. Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.
130. Earth's emergency defence plan in case of alien invasion is Chuck Norris.
131. Chuck Norris invented the question mark.
132. Chuck Norris make onions CRY!!!
133. Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds.
134. Chuck Norris Buillt Mount Everest with a bucket and spade.
135. Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully load gun and won.
136. Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
137. Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
138. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
139. Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
140. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
141. Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.
142. When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
143. When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.
144. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
145. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
146. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
147. Justin Bieber is CHUCK NORRIS

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share pud ninyo inyong mga chuck norris jokes...

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if jesus can walk on water, chuck norris can swim on land

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Chuck Norris as a kid...

[ace_k]

Chuck Norris fears Lito Lapid