Words Get In The Way, All The Time

MY NAME IS ELVISHTATTOO. I WILL DIE AT 37

MY COUSIN HAS JUST DIED. HE HAD TUBERCULOSIS, WHICH COMPLICATED HIS HEALTH SCARE. HE WAS DIAGNOSED TO BE HIV POSITIVE A FEW YEARS BACK.

BUT I’M NOT WRITING ABOUT THAT. I WAS NOT TORMENTED WITH THE LOSS. HE WAS NOT CLOSE A COUSIN TO ME THOUGH HE WENT TO THE SAME HIGH SCHOOL WITH MY OLDER SISTERS.
THIS IS ALL ABOUT DYING.

WHEN I WAS YOUNGER, I HAD A VISION THAT I WILL DIE WHEN I AM 37 YEARS OLD. I DON’T RECALL HOW IT CAME TO BE BUT IT HAS BEEN IN MY HEAD FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER.

WHEN MY FATHER PASSED AWAY, I FELT A FRACTION OF MY LIFE WENT WITH HIM. HOLDING ON TO THE THOUGHT THAT I STILL HAVE YEARS AHEAD OF ME, I LEARNED TO LET GO OF THE PAIN OF LOSS. I WAS 22 WHEN HE DIED. I DID NOT LOOK INTO HIS COFFIN UNTIL THE DAY HE WAS BURIED. I CAN’T AFFORD TO SEE HIS DEAD FACE.

AS YEARS PASSED ON, I STARTED MY OWN BUCKET LIST. I NEED TO ACCOMPLISH A LOT BEFORE MY YEAR COMES. I GOT MARRIED AT 24. MY SON WAS BORN IN 2005 AND MY DAUGHTER ARRIVED IN 2010. STILL THERE IS A LOT TO DO.

WHEN I LEARNED OF MY COUSIN’S PASSING, I PAUSED TO PONDER ON MY LIFE.

WHAT HAVE I ACCOMPLISHED? WHERE AM I ON MY BUCKET LIST?
HOW MANY FRIENDS HAVE I MADE?

WHERE HAVE I GONE IN ALL THE YEARS I AM GIVEN?

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I MADE LOVE TO MY HUSBAND?

WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MAKE MY CHILDREN GIGGLE WITH JOY?

HAVE I MADE MY MOTHER PROUD?

WHAT HAVE I DONE WITH MY LIFE?

I AM NOW 32 YEARS OLD.


FEAR GROWS IN ME THAT WHEN I AM 37, I HAVE NOT DONE ANYTHING TO MAKE THIS LIFE WORTHWHILE.

I WORK 9 HOURS A DAY AND IS AWAY FROM HOME 14 HOURS A DAY, 5 DAYS A WEEK, FOR THE LAST 8 YEARS. I HAVE NOT PLAYED WITH MY CHILDREN ON A DAY OFF WITHOUT BEGGING THAT I CATCH THE SO NEEDED SLEEP. I HAVE NOT HAD A CONVERSATION WITH MY HUSBAND WITHOUT RAISING MY VOICE TO EMPHASIZE A POINT. EVEN IN BED.

I MISSED SO MANY FIRSTS IN MY CHILDREN’S MILESTONES. I DID NOT SEND MY SON TO HIS FIRST DAY OF GRADE SCHOOL CLASS. I DID NOT WITNESS MY DAUGHTER’S FIRST STEPS WHEN SHE LEARNED TO WALK.

THINKING ABOUT DEATH, A GRAPHIC PICTURE OF ME AT 37 YEARS OLD FLASHED IN MY HEAD, JUST LIKE IN MY EARLY YEARS. I DON’T SEE WHAT I WAS DOING AND WHO I AM WITH. ALL THERE IS, IS A VIVID PICTURE OF ME FACED WITH MY OWN MORTALITY.

I HAVE PASSED ON TO A NEW BEGINNING. AND IT WAS NOT JUST A THOUGHT.

I MET SOMEONE AND I SMILED TO SAY:

“HI, MY NAME IS ELVISHTATTOO. I DIED AT 37”