Best jokes ever..

[LiveHigh1987]

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LAKI ni adto og tindahan para mopalit og CONDOM...

LAKI: Naa moy condom?

TINDERA: Naa sir.

LAKI: Papalita rata, birthday man gud sa akong GF.

TINDERA: Ok, sir. I-gift wrap pani nako?

LAKI: Ayaw na. Mao man gud nay WRAPPER sa ako GIFT.

DD

[killuaxyz]

hahaha..pawala sa kalaay

[cebu_doki]

A husband & his wife agreed that when they want to have ***,
they will call it a "PHONE CALL", so the kids cannot decode...
One day husband sent the son to tell mom that he wants
to make a 'Fon Call.'
Mom said: Tell your dad that network is bad today...
Dad said: Ok tell mom that if there's no network
at home, I will go to the 'PUBLIC PHONE.'
Wife sent back: Tell your dad, if he dares go to the
Public Fon, then I will open a "CALL CENTER."

=================

An elderly couple was having breakfast one fine morning when the wife ask her husband, "Are you going to marry right after I die?" What a depressing question? Here we are enjoying this beautiful morning and you bring up this grieving question. That night, she asked that question again and for the following 3 days she keeps bopping that question and so he finally said "yes, are you satisfied ? " And she said, are you going to sell sell the house? he said, no! Are you going to sell our bed? Why no ! are you going to let her have my golf clubs? He said, " No I don't think so, she is left-handed

[wwwfernand]

lelz.. pa.subscribe parekoy

[cebu_doki]

"WIFE: maghiwalay na tayo!
MAN: ok,akin ang bahay!
WIFE: akin ang farm!
MAN: akin ang kotse!
WIFE: ah pero akin driver
MAN: pwes, magkakamatayan tayo, MATAGAL NA SIYANG AKIN!"

"Mrs: hoy!Tama na yang beer mo masyado ka magastos
Mr: Ikaw make-up mo ang magastos
Mrs: Nagpapaganda ako para sa iyo
Mr: Ako umiinom naman para gumanda ka!"

"May bagong kasal:
MRS: Honey malapit na tayong maging 3 dito sa bahay
MR: Talaga honey? Pinasaya mo ako sa balita mo
MRS: Oo dito na titira ang nanay ko!"

REPORTER: Sir, kung wala po kayong evidence, witness or suspect ano na
po ang next step ninyo??
Police: DNA na...
REPORTER: sir, ano po yung DNA
Police: "Di Namin Alam "

"Man1: Away kami ni misis, nag-Historical siya
Man2: Pare baka ang ibig mo sabihin ay nag-Hysterical
Man1: Hindi, historical kasi inungkat lahat ng kasalanan ko!"

A black baby is given a pair of wings by a fairy..
BABY: Does this mean I am an angel
FAIRY: (laughs) of course not! tong negrang to! ambisyosa! PANIKI ka!!

Ang Mister Naman Kasi

MISIS: Inday, napansin ko ang barong ni Sir mo, lagi na lang may lipstik!
MAID: Opo nga Mam, mukhang niloloko na TAYO ni Sir ah!

Retirement

A young man ask an old man, "Sir, what is retirement?"
Old man: "Retirement is when you are replaced by a computer at work and a vibrator at home."
=================================

I'M GOING TO THE DOCTOR
This old man in his eighties gets up and puts on his coat.
His wife says, "Where are you going?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Are you sick?"
"No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new ****** pills."
So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat.
He said," Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing,
I'm going to get me a tetanus shot."
R. : Dad, nag-away kayo ni Mommy?
DAD: Oo, Anak, pakiramdam ko balak niyang mag astronaut.
JR. : Bakit naman?
DAD: Kasi lagi niyang sinasabi: I NEED SPACE!

"Pulis at Intsik:
Pulis: boss konting abuloy lang, may namatay na pulis.
Intsik: ako malaki migay amuloy masta alaw-alaw melon pulis paktay "oke.."

Tanga: kamusta yung exam mo.
Bobo: wala ako nasagutan, blanko yung papel ko. Ikaw?
Tanga: naku, blangko din yung papel ko, baka sabihin ni titser,
nagkopyahan tayo

[The_JACKAL]

Flowers: Halinon kaayo ko karong valentines day kay pampakilig og romantic.
Chocolates: Ses,mas halinon pako kay mahalon unia sweet pajud .
Condom: Unya mo storya pako?

[bula1980]

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and
told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at
the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our
jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL
3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

'From now on
when I say BELL 1'
I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2
I want you to
jump in bed.
And when I say
BELL 3
We are going to make love all night.
' The next night he came home from work and yelled
' BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled 'BELL 2!',
the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled 'BELL 3!',
they began making love.
After a few minutes the
wife yelled 'BELL 4!'
'What the hell is BELL 4?'
asked the husband?

'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,'
she replied
'YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'

[bula1980]

A VATICAN HUMOR

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 155 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

[bula1980]

WAITER JOKES

1. In a resort while ordering for lunch, we asked
the waiter what their
specialty was, and he answered what sounded like, "stupid pusit". When we
asked him to describe it, he pointed the item on the menu: "stuffed pusit".

2. I went to a turo-turo to buy tapsilog. I told the waitress my order & she
replied, "mam, stereo po ba?'. I got confused & askd her, "ano yun?". She
took out a styro plate & told me, "mam, eto po. Pag takeout, nilalagay namin
sa stereo-powm" .

3. A friend ordered coffee, "Miss, isang coffee without creamer".
The waitress
answered "Sir, wala kaming creamer. Milk ang gamit namin. Ok lang ba sa inyo kung
coffee without milk nalang?"

4.My very fat and sweaty friend ordered from the waiter, "Isang lechon manok,
dalawang order ng chicken skin, apat na stick ng isaw, dalawang stick ng tenga ng
baboy, isang sisig...AT.. .isang Diet Coke." The waiter was shocked and said, "Ano,
nagda-diet kayo?!?"

5. I called the waiter and said, "Bakit ganito ang ulam, walang lasa! Wala ba kayong
cook dito?" The waiter replied, "Wala po kameng COOK dito, PIPSE lang! PIPSE!"

6. A friend ordered chicken in a resto. When he got his order, he found that there
was no fork. So he asked the waitress, "Ba't walang fork?" The lady answered angrily,
"Ba't ka naghahanap ng fork, eh diva cheeken ang order mo?"

7. I am working in a restaurant as a waitress. One day, I had a foreigner guest w/ his
Filipina girlfriend. The foreigner ordered first, "One rib eye steak, medium." Then the
Filipina ordered, "Rib eye steak also, small."

8. After paying at a fast food, the cashier cheerfully said, "Here's your BELL, enjoy your
MELL!"

[bula1980]

Doc: Iha, mukhang pumapayat ka at hinang hina pa. Sinunod mo ba advice ko na 3 meals a day?
Girl: Diyos ko! 3 meals a day ba? Akala ko 3 males a day eh!!!
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May nagpapa-translate sa akin ng signage sa tagalog: “Emergency Exit”
ang sabi ko, “MADALING LABASAN…? Tama ba? Parang bastos ata.
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Lalake: Pag tayo na, magkasama na nating haharapin ang mga problema.
Babae: Pero wala naman akong problema..
Lalake: Kasi nga, hindi pa tayo. Wag ka excited!!
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Sa Sauna:
Attendant: Sir, gusto mo ng tirafi?
Guest: Anong tirafi? Baka therapy?
Attendant: Tirafi po talaga sir. After you tira me, you give me fee. uki?
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Mr: Hon, buksan mo ang pinto!
Mrs: Sori, hindi pwede. Wala akong suot.
Mr. (tumawa) ok lang. Wala akong kasama.
Mrs: Ako, meron!
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Tip for a long life:
Wag mo isusulat name mo sa condolence book pag dumalaw ka sa patay. Kasi pagkatapos ng libing nagkakaron ng raffle kung sinong susunod….
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Guro: Pedro late kana naman.
Pedro: Late po kasi relo ko.
Guro: Problema ba yun. E di i-advance mo.
Pedro: Sige po.
Guro: Oh, saan ka pupunta?
Boy: uwian na!
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Mrs: Kung alam ko lang di sana ako nagpakasal sa iyo! ABS ka!
Mr: Anong ABS?
Mrs: Alak, Babae, Sugal!!
Mr: Eh ikaw CBN!
Mrs: CBN?
Mr: Chismosa, Bungangera, Nagger!.
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May dalawang lalaki sabay nag jogging:
Guy 1: Pre, doctor ako. Kaya ako tumatakbo kasi HEALTH conscious ako! Ikaw pre?
Guy 2: Snatcher pre! WEALTH conscious ako.
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Bakit binaril ng bobo ang girlfriend nya?
Kasi sinubukan nya kung totoong FIRST LOVE NEVER DIES!
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Pasahero: Mama, dahan-dahan lang po. Alalahanin nyo na palaging nakasunod sa atin ang disgrasya!
Drayber: E, kaya ko nga binibilisan para di tayo abutan!
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Kasal…
Pari: Ikaw lalaki, tinatanggap mo bang maging kabiyak ang taong ito habambuhay?
Lalaki: Opo, Father!
Pari: At ikaw naman malanding pokpok kang bakla ka mukha kang kabayo, ‘akala mo siguro ang ganda mo sa gown mo,‘ano? Tinatangap mo ba ang lalaking ito na hindi ka magsisisi kahit magkabaon-baon ka sa utang sa pagsustento sa kanya?
Bakla: Father, sabihin nyo lang kung tutol kayo sa kasal na ito kesa naman tumalak ka diyan, naka mic ka pa naman.
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(sa isang turo-turo):
Customer: Manang, meh langaw sa arrozcaldo ko!
Tindera: Hello! Sa halagang P5.00 anong ini-expect mo….manok?
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Tom: Alam mo pare, my new wife is a *** object!
Jerry: Wow! Maganda pala ang napangasawa mo pre!
Tom: Hindi naman. But everytime I want to have ***, she objects!
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PO 1: Bakit po K-9 ang tawag sa malalaking aso, sir!
SUPT: Syempre pag tinawag mo silang K-10, hindi na sila aso
PO 1: Ano na sila sir?
SUPT: maliit na pusa…
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Anak: Nay, yung girlfriend ko hindi naniniwala sa langit at impierno.
Nanay: Sige, pakasalan mo anak, ipatikim mo sa kanya ang langit, ako na ang bahala sa impierno.
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Isang ina ang nagsilang ng napakapangit na sanggol.
Ama: Isa syang kayamanan.
Ina: Oo, nga! Ibaon natin!......
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A husband asked his wife, “What do you like most in me, my macho face or my sexy body?
The wife looked at him from head to toe and replied, “I like your sense of humor”.
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Russian: Sir, we got huge order from USA for 16 inches condoms. I think it is to embarrass us.
Putin: No problem! Complete the order and mark them SMALL SIZE!
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A guy picks up a girl for a date.
“Why are you wearing your belt around your knee?
Girl: I promised mom that I wouldn’t let you touch me below my belt….