Merged: Jokes

[grss1982]

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try this one:

http://www.insultmonger.com/swearing/cebuano.htm

lamom kaayo na mga insulto.

[junenine]

Hard of Hearing (from the "book of bloopers")

Heard on "The Newlywed Game," ABC's popular audience-participation program:
HOST: "Now, wives, how would you describe your mattress on your honeymoon--soft, medium, or hard?"
WIFE: "Was that before or after we were married?"

[annais]

WIFE: Himala! aga mong umuwi ngayon.
HUSBAND: Sunod ko lang utos ng boss ko. Sabi nya "GO TO HELL", kaya ito uwi agad ako..

[junenine]

Practical Joker

Newscaster: "The minister was covered with papers and rubbish, then drenched with kerosene and set afire. The murderer then set the entire house afire... More SPORTS after this message from our sponsor."

[dhedi]

A big mESs

I come across a little boy's prayer:
"Dear God, please take care of my mama, papa, my sister,my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, and please take care of yourself, GOD. If anything happens to you, we will be in a big mess.".....

[her_sheys]

Anak: Unsay iskalator, tay?
Tatay: Hagdan saka kanaog.
Anak: Kanang elevator?
Tatay: Kahon sakyan pasaka kanaog.
Anak: Calculator, tay?
Tatay: Kana, wa pa ko kasakay.

[her_sheys]

Lawyer examining witness on a vehicle accident:
Where were you sitting when the impact came?
Court interpreter to witness: Asa ka man naglingkod
sa pag-abot sa
impacto?

[gregsin]

naa tuy duha ka hubog...........

hubog1: bay mo uli nako sa balay bay......
hubog2:ngano man kasayo pa?
hubog1:murag naglakaw ang mga balay
hubog2:dili nalang ta mo uli sa balay holaton lang nato na ang balay moagi dri...

[gregsin]

Free drinks for everyone

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

[gregsin]

May isang Hapon. Kadarating lang galing Tokyo. Nag-aabang ng taxi sa NAIA. Ibinaba
muna nya ang dalawang maletang dala-dala nya. Sa tagal ng paghihintay, binuksan nya
ang relo nya at parang nakipag-usap. Naintriga ang isang Pilipinong nagngangalang
Bentong.

Bentong: Hello! Wat is dat? Is dat a cel fone?
Hapon: Yes.
Bentong: Sa sarili. Aba ok to ah. Mabebenta ko yan ng P100,000 sa kumpare ko.
Uutuin ko nga to.
Hapon: Why are you asking?
Bentong: Are you selling dat cel fone?
Hapon: No.
Bentong: I'll buy it for P5000!
Hapon: No.
Bentong: I'll buy it for P10,000!
Hapon: No.
Bentong: I'll buy it for P15,000!
Hapon: Ok.
Binigay ng hapon ang kanyang relo kay Bentong.
Bentong: Sige. Tenks! (Sabay takbo)
Hapon: Wait! You forgot the batteries! (dala ang dalawang maleta)