Merged: Jokes

[pnk_shadows]

CORPORATE LESSONS
Corporate lesson # 1
A man is getting into the shower, just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she could say a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands
naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob, the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800
he owes me?"

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. :mrgreen:

Corporate Lesson # 2:

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized, "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. Upon his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find
glory."

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.

Corporate Lesson # 3:

A sales representative,, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's
gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas, and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.


Corporate Lesson # 4:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not?" So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Corporate Lesson # 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Corporate Lesson # 6:

In Africa, every morning a gazelle awakens knowing that it must outrun the fastest lion if it wants to stay alive. Every morning, a lion wakes up knowing it must run faster than the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.

Moral of the story:
It makes no difference whether you are a gazelle or a lion: when the sun comes up, you had better be hauling ass.[/b]

[gerard]

ang hindi marunong lumingon
sa pinangalingan ay mayrung
stefnick...
hehehehehehehehehe...

[kiat_kaau_kusion_beh:-)]

OT: corporate lesson # 2 really rocks .... hahaha

[gerard]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She
finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee. He
appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as
he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the
matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room."Why are you down
here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do
you remember twenty years ago when we were dating, and you were only
16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes, I do," she replies. .The husband paused.
The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father
caught us in the back seat of my car "Yes, I remember" said the wife,
lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you
remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you
marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for twenty years?" "I
remember that, too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his
cheek and said . . "Laya na sana ako..."

[jonz]

ang tao dili mulingi kung tawgon.. bungol..
ang tao dili nakadungog pero dili mo lingi...
ng pa bungol bungol..
ang taong nag pa bungol bungol kung tawagon....
daghan earwax......

[lolong tan]

[size=18px]PINOY PREGGY STORY[/size]

A pregnant Filipino woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep
coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she awakes to discover that she is no
longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are
doing just fine. Your brother from the Philippines arrived a few days after
your accident and decided to name them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother... he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name?"

"Denise," says the doctor.

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name, guess I was wrong about
my brother. I like Denise!"

Then she asks the doctor, "What's my son's name?"

The doctor replies, "Denepew."

[lolong tan]

[size=18px]THE VETERAN[/size]

A guy goes to the U. S. Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
"Yes" he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points
toward employment." The interviewer then asks, "Are you disabled in any
way?" The guy says, "Yes 100%....a mortar round exploded near me and blew my

testicles off."
The interviewer then tells the guy, "OK, I can hire you
right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P. M. You can start
tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M.
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8 A.M. to 4 P.M., then
why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"
"This is a government job." the interviewer says. "For the
first two hours we sit around scratching our balls.....no point in your
coming in for that."

[e99y]

i dunno if posted na ba ni... lisod pangita-on hehe.

Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM
morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where
they award winners great prizes. The game is called
"Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if
they are married or seriously involved with someone.
If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then
asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The
person is also asked to divulge the name of their
partner (with phone number) for verification. If their
partner answers those same three questions correctly,
they both win the prize. One particular game, however,
several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop
to its knees with laughter and is possibly the
funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it
all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard
of 'MateMatch'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to
Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First
only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're
what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First
only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you
had ***?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would
ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have *** at
o'clock this morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is
staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at
the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the
previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I
will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number
and call her up. You listen to this." 3 minutes of
commercials follow.)

DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?"
(touch tones.... ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on
the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for
a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us.
Brian knows not to give any answers away o r you'll
lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of
'MateMatch'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up
to?"

Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly,
okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3
questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's
answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando,
Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World.
Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it
Sarah?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have ***, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian
went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is
trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last
question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip
to Florida. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that,
did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing
with us and..."

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "In the ass....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to
take a station break.....

[kiat_kaau_kusion_beh:-)]

[size=9px]SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/ 100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age!
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.[/size]

[ares623]

dunno if this joke was posted yet:

Guy's girlfriend is into tattoos so one day she says "Bob if you really loved me you would have my name tattoo'd on your (ahem) giggle stick" . So being the kind of guy that really loves his girl he does and he notices that, when he's really excited it reads very clearly "Wendy" and when he's just chillin' all you can read is "Wy". Okay so time goes by and the couple ends up on vacation in Jamaica. Our guy Bob goes into the bathroom by the pool at the resort and there is a local Jamaican dude at the urnial next to him. Bob can't help but notice that he's got a Wy tat too!! (sorry, no pun intended there). Anyway, so he points to it and says "oh, so uh, you got a girlfriend named "Wendy" too?" and the guy gives him a very cool look and says "No man, mine says "Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day".