Life Actually~ mango's humorous slice of living~

[mango]

---

Petron to GMA: Ma'am, can we borrow Mike Defensor to help us clean up
the
oil spill?

GMA: Why him? Wala na siya sa DENR. (But he is not longer with the
Department of Environment and Natural Resources.)

Petron: Siya ang itatapon namin sa dagat. Lakas sumipsip eh. (We will
throw
into the sea so he can lick all the oil.)



P.S. No offense meant - just got this via email !

[mango]

>I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why
>my wife treats me like toxic waste.
>David Bissonette
>
>When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep
>her.
>Sacha Guitry
>
>After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't
>face each other, but still they stay together.
>Hemant Joshi
>
>By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad
>one, you'll become a philosopher.
>Socrates
>
>Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
>Dumas
>
>The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a
>woman want?
>Sigmund Freud
>
>I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
>Anonymous
>"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a
>restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and
>dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
>Henry Youngman
>
>"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
>Sam Kinison
>
>"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic
>banking. It's called marriage."
>James Holt McGavran
>
>"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first
>one left me and the second one
>didn't."
>Patrick Murray
>
>Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
>1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
>2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
>Nash
>
>The most effective way to remember your wife's
>birthday is to forget it once...
>Anonymous
>
>You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
>Henny Youngman
>
>My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
>Rodney Dangerfield
>
>A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
>Milton Berle
>
>Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
>Anonymous
>
>A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received
>a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
>Anonymous
>
>First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
>Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
>
>

[butitoy]

hahahahahahah!
ull be lucky if u'll have one.

coz ur other girls will only have one competitor.

[angel²]

hahahaha... love dis 1!

[wilner]

toink ngano bitaw nag minyo hahahha..........

[Megiddo]

nice... very nice

[mango]

READ THRU & SEE HOW GOD MADE THE PHILIPPINES ! !

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven , God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth.
"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, but cold and harsh while southern Europe is going to be poor but sunny and pleasant." "I have made some lands abundant in water and other lands parched deserts."
"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a group of Islands and said, "What are those?" "Ah," said God.
"That's the Philippines , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful beaches, rivers, mountains and forests. The people from the Philippines are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving and they will be known throughout the world as carriers of peace and love."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I designated as their leaders."

[mango]

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had *** with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm an Atheist."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody!"

[mango]

ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE

It has long been contended that there are male Jokes and there are female jokes, and there are unisex Jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke.

I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love it And men will
pass it along to a woman who will love it.

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As All men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......
on one condition"
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition Was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, And then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, Which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly And meaningfully said....

"Clean my house."

(YOU GO, GIRL!)

[mango]

Subject: Rye Bread
>
> Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their
> usual park bench one morning.
>
> The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and
>
> The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and
> asked him what he did to have so much energy.
>
> The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day.
> It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great
> stamina with the ladies."
>
> So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the
> bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he
> needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
>
> She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you
> like some?"
>
> He said, "I want 5 loaves.
>
> She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get
> to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard"
>
> He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the
> world knows about this shit but me."