Best jokes ever..

[maiden_asj]

---

ANAK: Nay, gae ko og 5pesos beh... ipalit nako og bomb paper.






NANAY: buang kang bataa ka!! tiguwang naka di pa ka kasulti og bond paper??

adto sa kwarto kaw, kuha didto og 5 pesos sa akong SOLDIER bag..

hehehehehehe

[maiden_asj]

(Gipangita sa mga NPA sila Juan, Pedro og Berto.
Nagtago sila sa mga sako sa kamote.)

NPA: asa na kaha tong tulo??
(nakakita sa 3 ka sako)
hhmm.. basin nagtago rato aning mga sakoha..
(gisipa ang SAKO 1)

JUAN: meow... meow.. meow...

NPA: aw.. iring.. kani kono beh...
(gisipa ang SAKO 2)

PEDRO: arf... arf... arf..

NPA: ay.. iro man diay ni.. kani kaha...
(gisipa ang SAKO 3)

BERTO: (hilom ra, walay reaksyon)

(gisipaan na pod sa NPA ang SAKO 3... wala gihapon.. gisipa-sipa og maayo sa NPA ang sako)






BERTO: (galagot na)
shit!! KAMOTE KO!!!
WA KOY SOUNDS!!!!




hahahahahahahahahahaha

[BatmanBeyond]

Why We Love Children

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child
innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it
didn't move'

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me
tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a b*tch to iron.'

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her
tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

7. A little boy was doing his math homework.

He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a b*tch is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a b*tch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a b*tch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '... and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is
falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that
farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy sh*t! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane
Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play

with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're

too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,

If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The barber says to her,

'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'

[BANNED9999]

bata: ayo!! palit q BAGULBAM..
tindero: wala mi BUBBLEGUM dong..

(pagka ugma)

bata: ayo!! palit q BAGULBAM..
tindero:wala lage mi BUBBLEGUM


(pagka ugma na pud)

bata: ayo!! palit q BAGULBAM..
tindero: (lagot mode) wla lage mi BUBBLEGUM dong gahi.a nimu og ulo wui..balik pah nya dri ugma kay pusilon tika!!!


(pagka ugma jud ni balik ang bata sa tindahan)

bata: ayo!!
tindero: unsa man!!! (pina syagit)
bata: naa moy pusil??
tindero: wala!!
bata: aw...palit q BAGULBAM..


hehehehe

[BANNED9999]

duha ka buang nagtapad unyah ng mathematics

buang1:kamao ka og math?
buang2:bansay naku anah.
buang1:sige kunu beh..5 plus 3??
buang2: TEN!!
buang1:hahahahaha...
buang2:katawa man ka..?
buang1:abi naku og dli ka kamao...

hahaha

[BANNED9999]

naay tulo ka kawatan(pedro,juan og markuz) nga putlanan og ulo..unya gihatagan og chance nga mabuhi sah hari..

hari: panglakaw mong tulo unyah dad.e q ninyo og napulo ka prutas inig balik ninyo dri sa palasyo..bisag unsa nga prutas nga makit.an ninyo sa lasang..

nang.lakaw ang tulo ka kawatan para manguha og prutas sa lasang..
unyah nauna og ule si juan nga nagdala og napulo ka mansanas..

hari: juan kana imuhang gidala nga mga prutas isulod na sa imuhang lubot..og ma.usab ang imuhang nawng kundili og mo.katawa ka samtang ng.sulod ka sa prutas sa imuhang lubot kay putlan ka og ulo..pero og mo.lampos ka sa pg.sulod sa napulo ka prutas sa imuhang lubot nga dli mausab ang imung nawng buhi.an ka namu..

juan gipasok ang unang mansanas sa iyahang lubot..tungod sa kasakit nausab ang iyahang nawng..gi.putlan og ulo patay..


taud taud naabot si pedro ngdala og napulo ka lumboy..

hari: pedro kana imuhang gidala nga mga prutas isulod na sa imuhang lubot..og ma.usab ang imuhang nawng kundili og mo.katawa ka samtang ng.sulod ka sa prutas sa imuhang lubot kay putlan ka og ulo..pero og mo.lampos ka sa pg.sulod sa napulo ka prutas sa imuhang lubot nga dli mausab ang imung nawng buhi.an ka namu..


tungod sa kagagmay sa lumboy dali ra kaau napasulod ni pedro ang siyam ka lumboy sa iyahang lubot nga walay usab usab sah iyahang nawng..apan sah ika napulo nga lumboy nakatawa og kalit si pedro..mao nga gi.putlan og ulo..patay..


sa purgatoryo ng.abot si juan og pedro didto..

juan: ahaka nimu pedro wui ika napulo nah nuon to nga lumboy nikatawa nuon ka...maluwas na unta ka ato..
pedro: kinsa may dli mgka.tawa anah nga nakita ko ni markuz ng.dala og durian..

[centerpiece]

naay usa ka pasyente nag pa check up sa doctor...

patient: dok g hyper man cguro ko, ganahan ko mosuka pero dli manko kasukaon.
doctor: suwaye daw ug kolkog imong totonlan?
patient: cge dok akong kolkogon ulk ulk uggh,,,

patient: dok dli jd ko makasuka jd.
doctor: cge kolkoga daw imong lobot
patient: cge dok akong kolkogon akong lobot uhmm,, ahmmm,,

patient: dok ako na gkolkog akong lobot pero dli man lage ghapon ko kasukaon
doctor: mao ba unsa jd kaha diay nang sakit nimo sah?? cge daw suwayi daw kolkog balik imong totonlan.
patient: cge dok akong kolkogon ug balik uuuuuuulkkk uwwwwwog bleeeeeeewwwwhhhhg!!!!! dok success naka suka jd ko..

[BANNED9999]

teacher: class kinsa may naka.jerjer ninyo og ghost?
juan: mam!!mam!! ako mam...
teacher: unya wla ka nahadlok?
juan: aw...ghost d i mam? tuo kog goats...

hehehehehe

[lesmark]

titser: juan, spell orange
juan: ang fruit mam or color?

nyeeeeeeeeeeeeeehehhehe

[lesmark]

tor;
anak: tay, unsa man na ilibitor?
tatay: koan anak,mura na og kwarto na musaka og mukanaog..
anak: ahhh..kanang iskilitor tay unsa mana?
tatay: kanang iskilitor nak kana nang hagdanan na musaka og mukanaog..
anak: ahhh mao ba diay tay? kanang kalkyulitor tay unsa man pud na?
tatay: ambot kaha ana anak wala pa man ko kasakay ana!!!
nyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehehehe!!!