Merged: Jokes

[dongzky]

---

Just thought we could use a laugh every once in a while. Erap jokes were
good, but these are better! I don't know if this had been posted before, but here it is....

Medyas
Isang alalay: Boss Eddie Gil, bakit mag-kaiba ang medyas mo? Isang
green,isang red.
Eddie Gil: Ewan ko nga kung saan ito nabili ni Misis. May isang pares pa
ako na ganito sa bahay.


Eddie Gil Makes a Wish
Eddie Gil shows a map of the Philippines to a genie and wishes that all
the islands be connected by fly-overs
Genie: I'm not that good. Make another wish!
Eddie Gil: Okay. Make me intelligent!
Genie: Can i see the map again?


Eddie Gil calling a hotel receptionist.
Eddie Gil: Paano ako makakalabas dito sa kuwarto ko?
Receptionist: Bakit po sir, ano pong problema sa mga pinto?
Eddie Gil: Dalawa lang ang pinto. Ang isa pag bukas ko banyo. 'Yung isa
naman may nakasabit na "do not disturb" .


Medical Exam
Eddie Gil is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his
seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five
minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws
them out of the window.
He then removes his shirt and throws it away as well. His pants, socks and watch follow suit. The nurse, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
"Miss, I am only following the instructions, " he says, " it says here, "Answer the following questions in brief'."


Elevator
Eddie Villanueva: Sorry I'm late! brownout! na stuck sa elevator for 1 hour
Eddie Gil: Wala yan ako 3 hrs sa escalator


Six or Eight
Eddie Gil calls into a take-out pizza parlor.
Pizza man: Would you like your pizza sliced into six or eight?
Eddie Gil: Six, I don't think I could eat eight.


Ballerina!
While watching a ballerina tip toeing on stage, Eddie Gil commented- "Ang
tanga naman ng direktor! Bakit hindi na lang sya kumuha ng
matangkad?!"


In a coffee shop:
Eddie Gil: 1 coffee please
Waiter: Decaf, sir?
Eddie Gil: Of course! Debaso is too big and too much for me!


Apollo 13
Apollo 13 reporter: mr. Eddie Gil, have you watched "Apollo 13"?
Eddie Gil: no, i might not undertand it.
reporter: why??
Eddie Gil: because i wasn't able to watch Apollo part 1 to 12.


Pizzeria
While in a pizzeria.
Eddie Gil : What are your specialties?
Waiter : Sir, we serve all kinds of pizza.
Eddie Gil : Talaga, bigyan mo nga ako ng Shakey's !!


Science Class
In a science class.
Classmate : Bakit yung airplane pag umiikot ang elisi, uma-angat sa lupa?
Bakit yung bentilador kahit umiikot, nasa mesa pa din?
Eddie Gil : Tanga ka pala eh! Kasi yung bentilador may kurdon,
pinipigilan yon!!


The Mirror
There was a mirror that eats liars.
pangit: I think I'm CUTE! - kinain siya.
Taba: I think I'm SEXY! - kinain siya.
Eddie Gil: I think.. - kinain na.

[mango]

JOKE JOKE JOKE

Prospective Employer to Applicant: " So why did you leave your previous
job?"
Applicant: " The company relocated and they did not tell me where!"
__________________________________________________ ______________
Bisaya 1: " Gara ng kutsi, siguro kay Miyur iyan."!
Bisaya 2: " Dili bay!"
Bisaya 1: " Kay Hipi?"
Bisaya 2: " Tuntu ka man. Kay FATHER iyan. Gisulat niya sa likud o,
"'SAFARI'."
__________________________________________________ _____________
Misis: " Sir, mananawagan po sana ako sa mister ko kasi dinala niya ang
limang anak namin."
Radio Host: " Ok, go ahead!"
Mi sis: " Honey, ibalik mo na ang mga bata, isa lang naman ang sa iyo
diyan!"
__________________________________________________ _____________
Hello! Heto na naman ako. Gulung-gulo ulit ang isip ko. May nais lang
sana
akong itanong sa inyo. Alam ko matutulungan niyo ako:
Ang BIRDS FLU ba ay past tense ng BIRDS FLY?
__________________________________________________ ____________
WIFE: Himala! aga mong umuwi ngayon.
HUSBAND: Sinun od ko lang ang utos ng boss ko. Sabi nya "GO TO HELL",
kaya
ito uwi agad ako.
__________________________________________________ _____________
Lasing (takot): may multo sa banyo natin!
Wife: Ha? Bakit?
Lasing: Kasi bumubukas yung ilaw pag papasok ko ng banyo eh.
Wife: Punyeta ka! ikaw pala ang umiihi sa ref!
__________________________________________________ _____________
1st night : lola wore see thru dress, lolo didn't react...
2nd night : lola wore t-back, lolo still deadma...
3rd night : lola all naked, lolo said "anu yan suot mo, gusot-gusot!!"
__________________________________________________ _____________
AMO: sagutin mo ang telepono, Inday!
INDAY: (baligtad ang hawak) hilo? hilo?
AMO: baligtarin mo!
INDAY: lohi? lohi?
AMO: telepon ang baligtarin mo!
INDAY: Puntili, puntili
__________________________________________________ _____________
Juan: Bay, birthday ng asawa ko.
Pedro: Ano ang regalo mo?
Juan: Tinanong ko kung ano gusto niya.
Pedro: Ano naman sinabi?
Juan: Kahit ano basta may DIAMOND.
Pedro: Ano ang binigay mo?
Juan: Baraha.
__________________________________________________ ______________
Pedro: Galing ako sa doktor, nakabili
na ko ng hearing aid. Grabe! ang
linaw na ng pandinig ko!
Juan: Talaga?! Magkano bili mo?
Pedro: Kahapon lang
__________________________________________________ ______________
Teacher: We are descendants of Adam and Eve!
Student: That's not true! My dad sez we are descendants of an Ape!
Teacher: We are not talking about your FAMILY!
__________________________________________________ ______________
Wife: Lab, may taning na ang buhay ko.
Huling gabi ko na to, let's make
love for the last time...
Husband: Heh! tumigil ka nga. Maaga pa
akong gigising bukas, buti ikaw hindi na.
__________________________________________________ ______________
KRIMINAL #1: "Pare, sigurado ka
bang dito dadaan
yung papatayin natin?"
KRIMINAL #2: "Oo, nagtataka nga
ako, isang oras na
&nb sp; tayo dito wala parin
siya! Sana naman
walang nangyaring
masama sa kanya."

[narsing]

BEAUTY PAGEANT:
Question and Answer portion:
Announcer: Contestant No. 4, y did u join this contest?
No. 4: Me? Join this contest? Y did I? I thank you!
(Applause...Applause)

Announcer:Contestant No. 21, if ever yo'll win in this pageant, what are your plans?
No. 21: Oh, i've got lots of plans...i've got orchids, gumamela...
(Applause...Applause)


Who do u think would win the pageant?

[narsing]

Naay 3 ka miga, Blondie, Brunette, ug Red Hair nag shoplift sila sa folded & hung. nasakpan sila sa guard, nanagan sila ug misulod sa usa ka shop. Niabot ang guard, ug nahibulong siya nga nangawala ang 3 ka babae. Naa siyay nakit-an nga 3 ka mga boxes.

1st box naay nakasuwat na dogs, iya gitapiran...
brunette: oi, naay mga iro...aw! aw! aw!

2nd box, cats...
red hair: meow! meow! meow!

3rd box...
guard: ah kini, sharo wala dinhi... (gitapiran)
blondie: oi, naa mga patatas...
POTATO! POTATO! POTATO

[suppersaiyan]

Ignorante

DIHAY DUHA KA TAGA BUKID NGA MGA LO-OG,NANG LUGSONG SA LUNGSOD.

LO-OG 1 : PRE UNSA-UN MAN NATO PAG PANGA-ON KARON
NGA DILI MANTA KAANTIGO KON UNSA-ON PAG ORDER.
LO-OG 2 : PASAGDI LANG PRE AKOY BAHALA, SIGE NA
MANULOD NATA ANANG KARENDERYA.
LO-OG 1 : HALA PRE ORDER NA. KAY GUTOM NA KAAU

PAGKATAUDTAUD DIHAY NING SULOD NGA MGA BUGOY PARA MAG-INUM

BUGOY : AHHH MISS TAGA-E ME UG BEER
LO-OG 2 : AHHH MISS BERR PUD AKO
BUGOY: CIGARELYO PUD MISS ISA KA KAHA
LO-OG 2 : AMO PUD CIGARELYO ISA KA KAHA
BUGOY: KARON LANG KANG TAWHANA KA, SUNDOGSUNDOG
KAHA SETI KARON BASTA MUSONDOG KAG USAB
BUGOY: MISS TAGA-E ME UG ASTRY
LO-OG 2 : AKO PUD MISS ASTRY
BUGOY : ( NASUKO), BAI NGANO MANG SUNDOGSUNDOG MANKA NAKO
BAI? GUSTO KAG AWAY?
LO-OG 2 : UNSA NABUANG KA, UNSAY IMONG PAG TU-O IKAW
RAY KABALO MUKA-ON UG ASTRY

[*Guu*]

guy was complaining to his wife that his back was hurting so much. so wife took him to the hospital. while lying on the bed, nurse came and asked the guy how he feels. he said that his back is hurting so much and he wants the pain to go away. so the nurse took a needle and when she was about to give the medicine to the guy, the guy asked 'what is that?" nurse answered "its morphine" and that guy start screaming and yelling " no! no! i dont want more pain !! i want less pain!!

hehe bisaya cguro!

[friendly amiga :-)]

SAYINGS TO LIVE BY:

1. birds of the same feathers, are the same birds
2. do not do unto others what you can't do
3. an apple a day is not an apple at night
4. when the cat is away the mouse is alone
5. if others can do it, don't help
6. tell me who ur friends are and i'll tell u mine
7. early to bed and early to rise makes you sleepy in
the afternoon
8. ang ilog na tahimik ay malalim, ang ilog na
maingay may naglalaba

[friendly amiga :-)]

GUEST to Motel Receptionist: Tagpila room ninyo diri?
RECEPTIONIST : Depende Sir, Special or Deluxe na room ?
GUEST : Unsa man kalainan ?
RECEPTIONIST : Special, naay masahista ug TV. Ang Deluxe, naay TB ang masahista!!

[niggfreecs]

the elephant ask the camel y is it that your tits is in your back? the camel reply... what a silly question with dick in his face.

lol pa jud!

[tansoi]

Sa Hospital...

Doktor: Mrs, kinahanglan na jud samentuhon ang tiil sa imong anak! grabe
na ang diperensya!
Mrs: Hala oi! mga pila kaha ka sako dok kay palit na ko hardware? Karon
dayon aron mauga na ugma.
Anak: Nay oi! pakauwaw ra man ka! sagulan pa gani ug balas!
Doktor: ayaw kalimti ang hollow block ha!!

================================================
Sa Simbahan...

BABAE: ka gwapo sa pari, unsa man akong buhaton para mapansin sa pari?
Ahhh, akong ibutang ning panty naku sa lamesa.
PARI: kinsa nang pante diri sa lamesa?
BABAE: ako padre
PARI: naay tae gamay.