Best jokes ever..

[cishmie_angel]

---

"The Filipino Contractor's"

Three contractors are bidding to fix bWhite House fence. One from the Philippines, another from Mexico and an America.

They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The American contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Mexican contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Filipino contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," the Pinoy explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Mexico.

[BatmanBeyond]

"The Filipino Contractor's"

Three contractors are bidding to fix bWhite House fence. One from the Philippines, another from Mexico and an America.

They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The American contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Mexican contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Filipino contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," the Pinoy explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Mexico.

A reality! Nice one! This thread is a good start for my busy day over a cup of coffee and a bowl of oats.

[cishmie_angel]

A reality! Nice one! This thread is a good start for my busy day over a cup of coffee and a bowl of oats.

it's nice to share some laughs too..

"LESSON to be learned from typing the wrong email address"

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.

Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their
travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida
on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a
computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his
wife.However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address,
and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.

Meanwhile...somewhere in Houston ... a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.The widow decided to check her email,
expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first
message, she screamed and then fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and
then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Date: Friday, October 13, 2005
Subject: I have Arrived!

Dearest Love:

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now,
and you are allowed to send email to your loved ones. I have just
arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS ...... Sure is freaking hot down here.

[BatmanBeyond]

it's nice to share some laughs too..

"LESSON to be learned from typing the wrong email address"

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.

Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their
travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida
on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a
computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his
wife.However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address,
and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.

Meanwhile...somewhere in Houston ... a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.The widow decided to check her email,
expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first
message, she screamed and then fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and
then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Date: Friday, October 13, 2005
Subject: I have Arrived!

Dearest Love:

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now,
and you are allowed to send email to your loved ones. I have just
arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS ...... Sure is freaking hot down here.

Heads up! This is always a good start for my day, not to discount also the pretty fellow istoryan posting this one.

[kentoy0224]

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".

Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have ***, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".

Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "****" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen ****ing the turkey!

[kentoy0224]

Ma'am / Sir,

I hereby tender my irrevocable resignation as your employee effective
today. It has been a pleasant stay in your company, but owing to
personal reasons, I am compelled to move on. I would like to thank you
and your good management for the wonderful experience accorded to me
during my stay in Your company.

Yours Truly,
Inday

Sulat ni inday nang umalis sya sa dati nyang amo =P ... lufeeeet !!!



1) I believe that my trained skills and expertise in management with the
use of standard tools, and my discipline and experience will contribute
significantly to the value of the work that you want, my creativity,
productivity and work-efficiency and the high quality of outcomes I can
offer will boost the work progress.
- sagot ni Inday sa interview ng bago niyang amo!

2) Compromising safety with useless aesthetics, the not-so-well
engineered architectural design of our kitchen lavatory affected the boy's cranium
with a slight boil at the left temple near the auditory organ.
- sagot ni Inday nang tanungin ng amo kung bakit may bukol si Junior.

3) The consistency was fine. But you see, it seems that the increased
amount of sodium chloride (NaCl) affected the taste drastically and
those actions are irreversible. I do apologize.
- nag-explain si Inday kung bakit maalat ang ulam.

4) Donya: Bakit tuwing paguwi ko, nadadatnan kitang nanunuod ng tv?!
Inday: Because I don't want you to see me doing absolutely nothing.

5) "It's absurd! It was never a fact that he will inflict a fight. I can
only imagine how you handle schizophrenic kids on this educational
institution. Revise your policies because they suck!"
- Inday, kasama si Junior sa principal's office.

6) Amo: Inday, bakit nagkalat ang basura sa likod ng bahay?!
Inday: A change in the weather patterns might have occurred wrecking
havoc to the surroundings. The way the debris are scattered indicates that the
gust of wind was going northeast causing damage to the path it was
heading for.
Amo: (nosebleed)

7) Stop your raucous behavior. It is bound to result in property damages
and if that happens there will be corresponding punishment to be
inflicted upon you!
- si Inday, pinagbabawalan ang mga bata na maglikot.

Sometimes, people choose to leave not because of selfish reasons but
because they just know that things will get worse if they'll stay.
Leaving can be a tough act, and it's harder when people can't understand
you for doing so.
- sagot ni Inday kung bakit umalis si Angel Locsin sa GMA 7.

9) AMO: Inday, Bakit mo bineneta ung sirang silya?
INDAY: I computed the chair?s fair value less cost to sell and the
value in use using projections for 5 years at a pretax discount rate.
Accordingly, the value in use is lower, so I decided to sell the chair.
This is in accordance with PAS 18-Revenue, PAS 16-Property, Plant, &
Equipment, and PAS 36 on Impairment of Assets.
AMO: (Hinimatay)

[henzyzoie09]

kuyog ug cr ang duha ka officemates:
nagtapad pangihi sa urinal.

man1: dakoa gud nimo pikoy du, daghan jud bayot lipay ana!.!.

man2: nah, kaning minyo nata du, angay nalng ni ipakaon iro, wana gamit.

man1: aw! aw! AW! aw!....

[cishmie_angel]

Heads up! This is always a good start for my day, not to discount also the pretty fellow istoryan posting this one.

hahaha.. thanks.. Laughter is the best medicine to keep us healthy.. Have a wonderful weekend! =)

MGA JOB TITLES NA DAPAT NANG PALITAN:

PRESIDENT- pasimuno.
VICE PRESIDENT- kunsitidor.
SECRETARY- palsipikador.
TREASURER- kubrador.
AUDITOR- kasabwat.
PUBLIC RELATION OFFICER- tsismoso.
REPRESENTATIVES- pahamak.
SPOKESMAN- bolero.
SGT-AT-ARMS- tirador.
ADVISER- taga sulsol.

(mas tama di bah?)

oh.. eto pah:

PILITA CORRALES - Asia 's Queen of Song.
LANI MISALUCHA - Asia 's Nightingale.
REGINE VELASQUEZ - Asia 's Song Bird.
GLORIA MACAPAGAL ARROYO - "Mole of Asia "

[Kuiaw]

Anak: tay unsa diay ng 10 commandments?
Tatay: mao na ang mga sugo sa ginoo
Anak: kinsa man ang mas labaw tay, ang ginoo or ikaw?
Tatay: siyempre ang ginoo anak. nganong nangutana man ka?
Anak: kuan man gud tay mas daghan paka ug sugo kaysa sa ginoo...

[Kuiaw]