Merged: Jokes

[yeh]

---

Â*
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."Â*
The pharmacist fainted.Â*

[yeh]

" The Famous Pig "

A salesman is lost in a rural area and stops at a
farm to get directions. As he is talking to the
farmer he notices a pig with a wooden leg. "How
did the pig get a wooden leg?", he asks the farmer.

"Well", says the farmer, "that is a very special pig.
One night not too long ago we had a fire start in the
barn.

"Well, sir, that pig set up a great squealing that
woke everyone, and by the time we got there he
had herded all the other animals out of the barn
and saved everyone of them."

"And that was when he hurt his leg?" asked the
salesman.

"Oh no" says the farmer. "He was fine after that.
Though a while later I was in the woods out back
and a bear attacked me. Well, sir, that pig was
near by and he came running and set on that bear
and chased him off. Saved me for sure."

"So the bear injured his leg then," says the
salesman.

"Oh no. He came away without a scratch from that.
Though a few days later my tractor turned over in a
ditch and I was knocked unconscious. Well, that
pig dove into the ditch and pulled me out before I
drowned."

"So he hurt his leg then?" asks the salesman.

"Oh no," says the farmer.

"So how did he get the wooden leg?" the salesman
asks.

"Well", the farmer tells him, "When you have a pig
like that, you don't want to eat him all at once."

[yeh]

Hospitalized Man.

(This is for the ladies... No offense gentlemen!)

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the
men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his
predicament.

Sir, she said," You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any
of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had
promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP,
and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist... He pushed WW. Warm Water was sprayed gently upon his
bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice
things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm Air replaced
the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large Powder Puff caressed
his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable
pleasure... The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender
loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the
ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew, he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a
nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the
ATR button.

"The button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your p***s is under
your pillow."Â* Â*Â* Â* Â*

[yeh]

A man walked into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asked for their orders. The man says, A hamburger, fries
and
a coke, and turns to the ostrich, What's yours?

I'll have the same, says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returned with the order. That will be

$9.40 please, and the man reached into his pocket and pulled out the

exact
change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man said, A
hamburger, fries, and a coke. The ostrich said, I'll have the same.

Again the man reached into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until, the two enter again. The usual? asked the

waitress.

No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and
salad,

says the man. Same, says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brought the order and said, That will be $32.62.


Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
it
on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. Excuse me, sir.


How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your

pocket every time?

Well, said the man, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me
two
wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just
put
my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
there.

That's brilliant! said the waitress. Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you
want
for as long
as you live!

That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact
money is always there, says the man.

Then waitress asked, But, sir, what's with the ostrich?

The man sighed, paused, and answered, My second wish was for a tall
chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.

[yeh]

The Talking Triplets

Once upon a time there was a women that was about to have triplets.

In her stomach the babies were talking to each other.

The first baby says "I want to be a plumber, because there is so much water in here".

The second baby says "I want to be an electrician because it is so dark in here".Â*

And the last baby says "I want to be a hunter, because if that damn snake comes back in here i'm going to cut it off".

[aj-1980_virgo]

Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and a saxophone?

A: Vibrato.

Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light-bulb?

A: Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about how much better Michael Brecker would have done it.

Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light-bulb?

A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say "Not bad, but I could've done better."

Q: How do you make a lead guitarist slow down?

A: Put some sheet music in front of him.

[aj-1980_virgo]

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"

[Rastaboy]

hahay... siawa ninyo diri oi.. nice jokes. agi ra ko. admiring ur jokes. :mrgreen:

[tr3vor]

Chuck and Frank are bungee-jumping one day.Â*

Chuck says to Frank, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."Â* Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need -Â* a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.Â* Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.Â*

When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.Â* So, Chuck jumps.Â* He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Frank notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.Â* Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch him and he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.Â* This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Frank misses him.Â* Chuck falls again and bounces back up.Â* This time he comes back pretty messed up -- he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.Â* Luckily, Frank finally catches him this time and says, "What happened?Â* Was the cord too long?"Â*

Barely able to speak, Chuck gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd.Â* What in the hell is a pinata?" Â*

[bizdakol]

No *** since 1955

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had ***?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no *** since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."