Merged: Jokes

[ares623]

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belated merry christmas! watch this..
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/45390/wizards_of_winter/

[iextreme]

belated merry christmas! watch this..
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/45390/wizards_of_winter/

taya-a ani oi.... ataka... lingaw kaau hehehe

[ares623]

^ hehe mao. kogihan kaayo ang nag-buhat ana.

[ejfunk]

belated merry christmas! watch this..
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/45390/wizards_of_winter/

waaa!!! grabe ka maayo oi! :mrgreen:

[Onins]

Interviwer: Ano ang gagawin nyo kung gumising kayo na may katabing 1 millon dollars?

After the Interpretation...

Kano: Go On a World Tour!
Hapon: Put Up a Hotel
Pinoy: Tulog Ulit para may 1 million ulit!!!

__________________________________________________ _____________

Last Night the Moon saw me crying. She said: "If she makes you cry, why dont you leave her?"

Know what I did?
Midagan ko oi!, kaw kuno istoryahan ug moon!!!

__________________________________________________ _____________

Pag Amerikano umutot: Excuse Me!
Pag British: Pardon Me!
Pag Bisaya: Yawa Dili to ako! mamatay unta ang nangutot!!!
__________________________________________________ _____________

Inday: Nay malakat ko sa Plaza
Mama: Indi damo rapist didto!
Inday: Wala kaso nay, ang Panty ko kay lata man!

After One Hour...

Inday: Nay! Gin-Rape ko!
Mama: Gaga! Ambi ko Panty mo lata!
Inday: huhuhu Naa man sila Abridor nay!

[cruella_1025]

"Little Johnny - Hiking"


A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.
"Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300," he asked.
"Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth!" Johnny replied.
"Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"

[cruella_1025]

" Little Johnny - Beautiful "


One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "Beautiful" in the same sentences twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought My mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.

Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just freakin beautiful!'

[dredd41v576]

The scene:

A Marine Basic Training Camp. One morning the Captain calls Sargent Black into his office and tells him "When you line up the troops this morning you need to inform Private Jones that his mother died." "Yes Sir!" says Black.

That morning a s the men were lined up Black bellows out "Hup hey ho ho Jones your mother died." Jones falls over with a heart attack.

A month later the Captain calls Black into his office and says, "Black you need to tell Private Smith his mother died--but this time us e some tact--I don't want to loose another good recruit. "Yes Sir!" Black answers.

This time when the men are lined up Black yells out " OK--all you men with living mothers take one step forward----NOT SO FAST SMITH!" [br]Date Posted: January 13, 2006, 09:09:45 PM_________________________________________________C omputer Repair
When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair
shop here a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed
only to be cleaned. Because the store charged P50 for such cleanings,
he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and
trying the job myself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know
that you discourage business?" "Actually it's my boss's idea," the
employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs
if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

[jhiade]

The Gentle Art of Diplomacy



What I say: Can I put you on hold for a minute? I need to look something up.
What I mean: I'm going to take a leak, grab a doughnut, and sneak outside for a smoke. I'm hoping you'll have hung up by the time I get back.

What I say: Oh, that's okay, sir, don't worry about it. A lot of people can't remember their own phone number.
What I mean: You shouldn't be allowed to breed, you dumbf*ck.

What I say: You want to talk to my supervisor? Sure, I'll put you right through.
What I mean: And he'll tell you the exact same thing I just did, jackass. Just because you didn't like what I told you, doesn't mean it's not true.

What I say: I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm having trouble understanding what you're saying.
What I mean: Surely you can find a better time to finish eating that piece of chicken.

What I say: If you use profanity again, sir, I will disconnect this call.
What I mean: And because I have your name and address, I'll sign you up for a lifetime subscription to the raunchiest gay porn magazine I can find.

What I say: It appears that the gas company is investigating your account for some fraudulent or unauthorized usage.
What I mean: Duuuude, you are so f*cking busted, man.

And finally:

What I say: Thanks for calling us today, and feel free to call back if you need more assistance.
What I mean: You have wasted fifteen minutes of my life with your foolishness, and I can only pray that one of my co-workers will have to deal with you next time. So goodbye, and good riddance!

[jhiade]

The former kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

"You need to use big people words," she'd always remind them.

She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana".

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"

She then asked Joey what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo," he said.

"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words!"

She then asked Eddie what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.

"That's wonderful," the teacher said . "What book did you read?"

Eddie thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit. "



A man called the hospital, he started to speak frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor replied form the other end questioning.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"



Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins." "What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team." The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets." "Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence " he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down." An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the 3rd man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply. "Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel." After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness. When he was finally able to speak, everyone could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.

"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up"

"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up"

"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up..."



Two brothers were always getting into trouble in their neighborhood. The people in the neighborhood started complaining to the parents about the boys. So the boys parents decided to have their priest talk to the boys. The priest asks to speak to the boys alone, requesting to see the youngest first. The young boy comes in and sits at a large table across the room from the priest. The priest looks at the boy, points at him and, trying to emphasize that God is in everyone, and everywhere, asks, "Where is God?" The boy looks around the room and back at the priest and says nothing. Again, the priest points at the boy and in a louder voice asks, "Where is God?" The boy says nothing. The priest walks around the table, pointing inches from the boy’s face and asks again, "Where is God?" The boy jumps out of his chair and runs out the door. The boy runs right home, grabs his older brother and says to him, "We are in BIG trouble!" His brother replies, "We haven't done anything!" The younger brother replies, "God's missing, and they think we did it!"