Married Man

[pardohanon]

---

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men & women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I
have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets
thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words 'I do.'

Here's an example of what I mean. One evening last week, my wife and I
were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she
eventually says 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said 'WHAT?!!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads
hearing...'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman
enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.' She then
responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who
I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off from work to spend time
with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
unnamed dept. store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one
to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
We went on to the jewelry dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one
wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me
because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how
to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's
fine, honey.'

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, 'I think this is
all dear, let's go to the cashier'. I could hardly contain myself when
I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
'WHAT!!!'

I then said, 'Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for
awhile.. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man
enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.' And just when
she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you
just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having *** tonight either.

[pardohanon]

An older,white haired man walked into jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5.000.The old man said,"I don't think you understand,I want something very special."
At that statement,the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over."Here is stunning ring at only $40.000" the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and here whole body trembled with exitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check."I know you need to make sure the check is good,so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds.I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning,a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man,"There's no money in that account."
'I know",said the old man,"but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

[pardohanon]

A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant, the husband kept looking over at a nearby table where a lady sat in a drunken stupor.



The wife asks "I notice you've been watching that lady for some time now. Do you know her?"



"Yes" he replies, "she's my ex-wife, and has been drinking like that since I left her seven years ago."



"That's unbelievable" the wife replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long

[pardohanon]

My wife and I divorced over religious differences.She thought she was the God and I didn't.

I don't suffer from insanity;I enjoy every minute of it.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life,but it broke.

People my age can still enjoy an active,passionate *** life!Provided we get cable or that dish thing!

Don't take life too seriously,no one gets out alive.

You are just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

I'm not complete idiot--Some parts are missing!

Ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you

Out of my mind.Back in five minutes.

God must love stupid people;He made so many.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Consciousness:That annoying time between naps.

I think I have reached my sexpiration date!

Ever stop to think,and forget to start again?

Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

Procrastinate Now!

I have Degree in Liberal Arts;Do You Want Fries With That?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A journey of the thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Stupidity is not a hadycap.Park elsewhere!

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

A picture is worth a thousand words,but it uses up thee thousand times the memory.

Ham end eggs.A day's work for a chicken,a lifetime commitment for a pig.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

I smile!! because I don't know what the hell is going on.

---------------------------

...and YOU
Reply With Quote