Merged: Jokes

[rygyx]

---

naa sad contest ug pinakadaghan ug ihi..........constant kano, chinese ug pinoy........

contest proper:
twag dayon ang kano gipapangihi dayon........nya resulta tulo ka balde nag napuno......pak2 dayon mga tawo...
sunod dayon ang chinese gipapangihi dayon..... nya resulta 10 ka balde ang napuno.........pak2 sad mga tawo....
katapusan ang pinoy gipapangihi dayon..........natingala ang mga judges na wla may namakpak..........
paglingi nila sa audience mao diay wla namakpak kay nanglangoy na diay............

bida jud ang pinoy no? ana jud.................

[AMD_infinium05]

kinakusgan jud ning pinoy tol

[alvintoy]

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender explains that the bar doesn't have any quackers.

The next day, the same duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender again explains that the bar doesn't serve quackers.

Sure enough, the very next day, the duck again walks into the bar and asks for some quackers. The bartender screams at the duck, "If you come in here one more time, I'm going to nail your beak into the wall with a hammer and some nails!, "

A few days pass, and then the duck walks into the bar again.The bartender notices the duck and says, "I'm warning you!"

The duck replies, "Do you have a hammer?"

The bartender replies, "No!"

The duck asks, "Do you have any nails?"

The bartender replies, "No!"

The duck grins and asks, "Do you have any quackers?"

[Empress_Of_Drac]

Dear Husband,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.

You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.

Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.


Your EX-Wife

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!




......And The Saga Continues.....




Dear Ex-Wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging.

Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

Even after all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.

So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.


Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

[ByteTracker]

Contest sa padaghanay ug anak...
Una ang Kano, nagdala ug 12 ka anak... palakpak mga audience.
Ikaduha ang Intsik, nagdala ug 24 ka anak... palakpak gihapon ang mga audience.
Ikatulo na ang Pinoy, daut kaayo ang contestant, pagsaka sa Pinoy sa stage... chant dayon ang audience ug "Papa! Papa! Papa!..."

[rochelle]

Tambal jud ni nga forum sa ako kalaay sa ofisÂ* har har har

[her_sheys]

Ang Asawa
"Ang asawa" sa unang taon masaya. Pagkalipas ng limang taon, tanggalin ang A, "sawa na." Sampung taon, tanggalin mo ang S "awa" na lang. Sa susunod na taon, tanggalin mo ang A "wa na!"

[AMD_infinium05]

kuyaw ) nice nice nice

[aLoTsKiE]

Para sa mga WHOLESOME mag-isip......

Tagalog version: May dalawang magkumare na pupunta sa palengke Mare 1:
Alam mo, Mare kapag nakikita ko ang patatas naalala ko ang balls ng
Mister ko. (hawak angpatatas) Mare 2: Ibig mong sabihin, ganyan kalaki
ang balls ni Pare?
Mare 1: Hindi, ganyan karumi.
________________________________________________

Police Chief: "Guards, may nakawalang hoodlum! Bantayan ang mga exits!
"Later...
Guard: "Sir, nakatakas ang hoodlum.
"Police Chief: "Paano nangyari iyun?"
Guard: "Sir, sa entrance siya dumaan."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lalake: Taksil! Baog ako, paano ka nabuntis? Sinong ama? Ang kaibigan
kong kadyo? Si Pekto? Kaibigan kong si Ador?
Babae: Puro kaibigan mo! Kaibigan mo! Bakit wala ba akong kaibigan!?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Teacher: What's the color of my teeth? (Sabay smile)
Pupil: Pink!
Teacher: (Nagtataka) Again, what's the color of my teeth? (smile)
Pupil: Pink!
Teacher: Shit di ko pala suot ang pustiso ko!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mag-bestfriends nagkita sa nursery.
B1: Pare, ang cute ng anak mo! Alam mo, ang galing siguro magmaneho
niyan paglake!
B2: Bakit?
B1: Kamukha siya ng driver mo!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Types of couples:
boy guapo + girl ganda = made in heaven boy guapo + girl panget = true
love boy panget + girl ganda = galing diskarte boy panget + girl panget
= no choice ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Payabangan
Boy1: lahi namin ang mahabang buhay, lolo ko namatay 88 years old na.
Boy2: Ako Lolo ko namatay 98 years old.
Boy3: Ala yan! Lolo ko sobrang tanda PINATAY na lang namin.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Pilot to tower: Wala na kaming fuel, 400 miles kami from shore. Give
your instructions, over!
Tower: Repeat after me. Our Father, who art in heaven...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ano ba talaga?
JOY : Kung may gustong mag-rape sa akin, talaga bang ipagtatangol mo ako
kahit mamatay ka?
ROD : Siyempre!
JOY: Paano kung dalawa sila?
ROD : Kahit pa.
JOY: E, kung tatlo o apat?
ROD : Teka, ano ba talaga ang gusto mo, ang mamatay ako o ma-rape ka?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pulubi at Pulis.
Merong isang pulubing nagdadasal sa harap ng altar ng simbahan...
Pulubi: "Diyos ko! Bigyan ho ninyo ako ng pera kahit na sampung piso
lang.
May isang buwan na ho akong hindi nagmi-miryenda".
Habang dinarasal niya ito, may isang pulis na nagdadasal din sa tabi
niya at nakarinig sa kanya. Naawa ang pulis sa tao at dumukot ito
sabulsa niya ng limang piso. Dahan-dahan itong lumapit sa tao para
i-abot. Maingat niyang inilapag ang limang piso sa nakadipang kamay ng
tao. Ngunit napansin ito ng tao at sinabi...
Pulubi: "Oh Diyos ko! Sa susunod ho kung maaari, kung magbibigay kayo,
ay huwag na sanang padaanin pa sa pulis kasi nabawasan."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[yeh]

WAYS TO TURN MEN DOWN (no offense, just for fun)

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.


HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a
face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a
face like yours.


HE: Hi, didn't we go on a date once? Or was it
twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same
mistake twice.


HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.


HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.


HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.


HE: Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.


HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?


HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same
time.


HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?


HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.


HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.


HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.


HE: Is that seat beside you taken?
SHE: Yes, and mine will be if you sit down.


HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.


HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.


HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.


HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in
your wildest dreams.