My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he
was God, and I didn't.

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Marriage is a three ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and
suffering.

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For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.

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There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before
marriage and after marriage.

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Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they
arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house
and car

**********
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he
has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact
words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says
without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

**********
Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA is
the same.

**********
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely
ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the
checkout line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come
forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items
would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more
often?

**********
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly
neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45minute wait for a
table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We
may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.

**********
The reason congressmen try so hard to get reelected is that they
would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

**********
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down
he aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride
kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in
the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest
smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his
credit card.

**********
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax
and get used to the idea.

**********
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're
in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning
over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a
fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented: "I
would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God
who made a huge difference in people's lives." Al said: "I'd like
them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

**********
Smith climbs to the top of Mt.Sinai to get close enough to talk to
God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years
mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord
replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."

**********
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to
me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In
fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy What do
you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now,
tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

**********
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last
request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said
softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry
Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath
John said, "I do!"