Merged: Jokes

[cALai_aDiE]

---

A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquires.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responds.

The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

[kenart]

ShowBiz Personalities in PoLiTiCs

Read on ...ang saya nito! Mabuhay ang showbiz!

Contrary to elitists' perception, Susan Roces is very prepared to lead the nation to GLORY (with out Gloria).

In line with parliamentary tradition, Susan recently formed his "shadow cabinet" (a term used to denote the group of people from the opposition who are well versed in policy development and implementation, and waiting to take over the reigns of government once in power). None of the present roster of presidential wannabes can boast such preparation for governance.

THE SHADOW CABINET

ECONOMIC TEAM - Susan's thrust will be to achieve an ECONOMIC MIRACLE that the country missed in the 80's and 90's. Nobody is better equipped in making this MIRACLE happen than Nora Aunor (Himala). As NEDA Secretary, Sec. Aunor will not draw water from brooks of Kupang (Place of Himala), but would make miracles happen by encouraging people to believe in themselves.According to the future NEDA chief. "Tayo ang gumagawa ng Himala" She will be assisted by Underscretary Madame Auring to guide the government in taking the miraculous path.

Sec. Aunor will be supported by Sec. Pepe Pimentel (Finance) and Sec. Roderick Paulate (Budget and Management). As Finance chief, Sec. Pimentel is well aware of where the "Kwarta" is. And no matter how small revenue collection will be, the public purse will be efficiently handled and kept by Budget Secretary Paulate in his "Bayong" with Undersecretary Amy Perez.

Finally, the Team is completed by Trade and Industry by the tandem of Sec. Mura and Undersecretary Mahal to make sure that the basic commodities are priced right, neither expensive (Mahal) nor cheap (Mura).

SERVICES TEAM - True to his populist color, Susan will give more to those who have less in life. Being allied with the GMA administration, MMDA Chair Bayani Fernando will be replaced by another Bayani, New MMDA Chair Bayani Agbayani. As such he will scrap the Odd-Even scheme and implement a simpler "Ocho-Ocho" traffic program, i.e., no cars in Edsa from 8amto 8pm.

Agriculture Department will be headed by Sec. Vilma Santos to ensure that food supply will be bountiful in all seasons in all regions.

Housing, being the cornerstone of the Susan Roces Administration, will be given to an equally regal and competent person, HLURB Secretary Dolphy. As such, he will ensure that the masses get their deserved homes either along the riles (railroads) or airports. The middle class on the other hand will be helped by Undersecretary Nova Villa.

The National Youth Commission will be headed by German Moreno so that he can help develop the talents of the millions of Filipino Youth. He will be assisted by Commissioners-At-Large Jojo Veloso and Alfie Lorenzo.

Social Welfare portfolio will be given to no less than Sec. Willie Revillame. He will leave his show to prepare for government service. To fund the welfare programs, the young Lucky Manzano will be appointed to the PCSO and PAGCOR.

Finally, the Department of Health will be headed by Dr. Vicky Belo. The projects in line are as follows: Oplan Alis Skin Disease, Tangal taba, and Libreng Lipo sa Masa.

RESOURCES TEAM - Susan Roce's policy is the full development of our resources for the benefit of the people.

Department of Energy will be headed by Sec. Gary Valenciano. No more PPA, just pure energy.

The Environment portfolio will be given to Sec. Chin-Chin Gutierrez and supported by Bureau of Forestry Director Rico J. Puno, Mines and Geosciences Directress Gretchen Barreto, and Undersecretary Jimmy Bondoc.

DEFENSE AND LAW AND ORDER TEAM - Considering the lack of respect the citizens have for the law of the law, Susan will implement the policy of law without fear or favor.

The Defense Department will be given to Sec. Annabel Rama who is feared by the devil himself. If she can handle Ernie Maceda, why not the generals of the AFP. If she can defend Ruffa's integrity despite all her shenanigans, what more the integrity of the national territory.

The Department of Interior will be headed by another fighter, Sec. Mystica who is well aware of the workings of the police after figuring in weekly brawls ever since she entered showbiz. She will be assited by PNP Chief Paquito Diaz, an expert on mobs and thugs.

FOREIGN AFFAIRS TEAM - Susan will continue the current government's constructive engagement. Among the members of the nation's new foreign service are the following Ambassadors:

Africa Union - Susan Africa
Austria - Amy Austria
Brunei Darusalam - Cristina Gonzalez
Colombia - Ace Vergel
Germany - Baron Geisler
Israel - Dick Israel
Jordan - Jordan Herrera
Spain - Gerald Madrid
Romania - David Bunevacz
Russian Federation - Nanette Medved
Turkey - Ruffa Gutierrez-Bektas
United Kingdom - Princess Punzalan
United States - Angelica Jones

The Department of Foreign Affairs will be headed by Sec. Melanie Marquez (Miss International) who is very experienced in "international" relationships.

OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT - Lastly, to manage all the department secretaries, a function of the Executive Secretary, no less than Exec. Sec. Lily Monteverde will "manage" all of them to make sure that they work in line with government policies. If Mother Lily can manage the whole Regal Family (plus Regal Babies), what more the nation's Official Family. She will be assisted by Presidential Management Staff Sec. Lolit Solis, another "talent" manager. To complete the roster of palace officials, the residential Spokesperson's job will be given not to Boy Abunda nor Cristy Fermin as other have speculated, but to the reliable Sec. Rey Pumaloy (Aminin!) to ensure that the government will not hide anything from the public.


Kay SUSAN tayo !!!!

[yeh]

ang Pilipinas ay...

50. where the most happening places is not
where
the party is.
Instead
it's
where the gang wars happen, where women
strip
and where the people
overthrow a president.


49. where even doctors, lawyers and
engineers are
unemployed.


48. where everyone has his personal ghost
story.


47. where mountains like Makiling and
Banahaw
are considered as holy
places.


46. where everything can be forged.


45. where the school is considered the
second
home and the mall
considered
as third.


44. where Starbucks coffee is more expensive
than
gas.


43. where every street has a basketball court
and
every town only
has
one
public school.


42. where all kinds of animals are edible.


41. where people speak all kinds of
languages, and
still call it
Tagalog.


40. where students pay more money than they
will
earn afterwards.


39. where call center employees earn more
money
than teachers and
nurses.


38. where driving 4kms can take as much as
4hours.


37. where flyovers bring you from the freeway
to the
side streets.


36. where the tourist spots is where Filipinos
do
not (or cannot) go.


35. where the personal computer is mainly
used for
games and
Friendster.


34. where all 13 year olds are alcoholic.


33. where colonial mentality is dishonestly
denied!


32. where 4am is not even considered bed
time yet.


31. where people can pay to defy the law.

30. where everything is spoofed.

29. where even the poverty-stricken get to
wear
Ralph Lauren and
Tommy
Hilfiger.

28. where honking of car horns is a way of life

27. where being called a bum is never
offensive

26. where flood waters take up more than 90
percent of the streets
during
the rainy season.

25. where everyone has a relative abroad who
keeps them alive.

24. where crossing the street involves running
for
your dear life.

23. where wearing your national colors make
you "baduy".

22. where billiards is a sport, and darts is a
bar
game.

21. where even the poverty-stricken have the
latest
cell phones.
(gsm -
galing sa magnanakaw)

20. where insurance does not work.
19. where water can only be classified as tap
and
dirty... clean
water
is
for sale (35pesos/gallon)

18. where the church governs the people and
where
the government
makes
the
people pray for miracles. (AMEN TO THAT!)

17. where University of the Philippines is
where all
the weird
people
go.
Ateneo is where all the nerds go. La Salle is
where
all the Chinese
go.
College of Saint Benilde is where all the
stupid
Chinese go, and
University
of Asia and the Pacific is where all the
irrelevantly
rich people go.

16. where fastfood is a diet meal.

15. where traffic signs are merely
suggestions not
regulations.

14. where all the trees in the city are below 6
ft.

13. where being held up is normal. It happens
to
everyone.

12. where kids dream of becoming pilots,
doctors,
actors and
basketball
players.

11. where rodents is a normal house pet.

10. where the definition of traffic is the 'non-
movement' of
vehicles.

9. where the fighter planes of the 1940's are
used
for military
engagements, and the new fighter planes are
displayed in museums.

8. where being an hour late is still considered
as
punctual.

7. where cigarettes and alcohol are a
necessity,
and where the
lottery
is a
commodity

6. where soap operas tell the realities of life
and
where the news
provides
the drama.

5. where actors make the rules and where
politicians provide the
entertainment. (kung gusto mo mapikon,
watch the
news).

4. where finding a deer on the road will be a
phenomenon. (may deer
dito?
seryoso kayo?)

3. where people can get away with stealing
trillions
of pesos, but
not
for
a thousand.

2. where Nora Aunor is an acclaimed actress
and
Boy Abunda is the
best
talk
show host.

1. where everyone wants to leave the country!
(ang saya-saya!)

sms lyk joke but true but still funny .. hehe
let's just all be happy anyway ..

[MaLsH]

hoy grabeha sad ninyo... i dont think philippines's that bad....... you should always learn to look at the bright side.........

[kloy]

hahahahaha

[yeh]

WHICH WOULD U CHOOSE?

CAKE OR BED??

...A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME

WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?

IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY;

FIX THE LIGHT, NOW?

DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE A G.E. LOGO PRINTED ON MY
FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO!

THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE
DOOR?

IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?

DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY
FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?

THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK.

I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX
STEPS, HE SAYS.

DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY
FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO.

I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.

I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF
HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED
HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT.

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE
ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS
WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR
IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?

SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND
CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE

YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE

REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED
WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?

SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE GOLDILOCKS WRITTEN ON
MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO!

[gregsin]

Taking the final exam


Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________."

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

[gregsin]

TULO GIPALIGRAHAN


Si Buta, si Libat, ug si Bungi nakakita ug away. Gihingian sila sa mga estambay pero wa la man sila mohatag. Mao nga nakigsinumbagay ang tulo.

Buta: Mga talawan, ayaw mog panago

Libat: Tagsa-tagsa lang!

Bungi: Mahala nag mga mungi!

[jeppoy]

duha ka bulok ng.storya...

bulok1: bai unsay 2 + 2
bulok2: ah kasayon ana...5
bulok1: hahhahahahahahahahahaha
bulok2: oh nganung katawa man ka?
bulok1: abi nku wla ka kabalo...

toink....na mao nani karon...hehehehehe

[jerx d great]

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"