Aries
21 March - 19 April
The next person to offer you advice will have a secret agenda that you ought to be wary of. Your learning may give you cause to grieve today as you are unable to stop local flooding using trigonometry alone. You can test yourself today by attempting to abstain from gratuitous *** or violence.
Taurus
20 April - 20 May
Thinking and driving at the same time can be hazardous for you today. Taking a bit-part in a local theatre production may help you get out and start living a lie.
Gemini
21 May - 21 June
Today will seem like a good day for disregarding advice concerning things that are generally considered to be bad for you. In a world full of people like yourself, who cares if you want to behave like an orangutan? Speak slowly and you will be heard. People will think you're being a dick, but people will definitely understand you.
Cancer
22 June - 22 July
Find yourself someone to settle down with today. Don't be choosy - just pick at random. If random fails, go for whoever doesn't violently sick-up on your clothing. Hit it all you want, but the lift will take as long as it will take no matter how forcefully you press the button.
Leo
23 July - 22 August
Until the time comes where you are able to do something about it, defer all your anger to the television shows you waste your life watching. You will find you get better *** advice if you stop talking to what you call "little people" in your nearby park. You are trapped in a cave with a panther and a sound system playing Michael Bolton's greatest hits. What do you do?
Virgo
23 August - 22 September
The stars predict rocky times for you and a loved one. Avoid making love in cramped places. Your bed is made, lie in it. Fall asleep for a while. Spoon the pillows. Yes, that's it. Relax.
Libra
23 September - 23 October
Hope will always get you through your problems. Yes, "hope" your doctor is mistaken or misinformed about your unforunate predicament. You are a complete fraud - the sooner you accept it, the better. To the rest of the world, you are like brine shrimp. Fun, but ultimately useless and short lived.
Scorpio
24 October - 21 November
You are more alert during your waking hours and this means that you can see exactly how you are managing to throttle your fish to death. Your tendancies may land you in trouble today
Sagittarius
22 November - 21 December
Perhaps it's true that you're not the immense stud you once were. Fools die young, and you certainly like to think that you're foolhardy. Please, don't die on a whim. Whimsy and death are such awkward bedfellows.
Capricorn
22 December - 19 January
Placing your mouth around the exhaust of a car stuck in traffic is bound to cause more traffic problems. Please take into consideration the needs of others. Today may seem like an extraordinary opportunity to get even with the world, but the world may have different ideas.
Aquarius
20 January - 18 February
Your appetites may increase today as the doctors finally remove the scissors they left inside you during your last operation. Your choice of reading material is starting to swerve dangerously into the "blue" section. Damage caused by rage might cost you around £250 this weekend. Avoid posh bars.
Pisces
19 February - 20 March
Time is on your side, feel free to mix-it-up a little. Your words are, to some, like finger-nails scratching a black-board.
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