Update: Was going to update this thread last night but was too exhausted. Anyway, my friend took the kittens off my hands yesterday evening. Unfortunately, one of the kittens passed away before then... At least now the rest of the kittens are with someone who is equipped to care for them. She says she'll foster them for the next 2 months at most while she finds them new homes. Apparently they're still too young to be separated. Clearly I had no idea what I was doing.
Please close the thread. Thanks!