Best jokes ever..

[cebu_doki]

---

The Perfect Marriage.... ......... ....
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The
Husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out
On the town and party with his old buddies .....
So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, honey bunch?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a
Beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'
She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed
Him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different
Countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he
Could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the
Bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife
Interrupted him by saying,
'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that
She was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but
At the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really
Delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise.
OK?'
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and
Took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings,
Pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there' s
Swearing, dirty words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, D**k head? Drink your f**king beer in
Your God**mn frozen mug and eat your mother f**king snacks,
Because you are Married now, and you aren't f**king going
Anywhere! Got it, A**hole?'
So he stayed home........ ....
........and, they lived happily ever after.
Now, isn't that a sweet story?
=============================
Sa isang Museum..
Juan: Ito bang pangit na 'to ang tinatawag nyo na “ART”? Ang pangit, nakakasuka!
Painting ba to?
Guide: Hindi po sir, salamin yan! Hahaha!

[atebon]

PARI: gigukod kog babae nga gahubo,sus!midagan ko ug mitago!
ikaw Bishop kung gukdon ka ug babae nga gahubo unsa
man imo buhaton?

BISHOP: pareha nimo, MAMAKAK!!!!!!

[atebon]

AMERKANO : 'Good morning ladies and gentlemen'
JUAN : 'Maayong buntag sa mga babaye ug mga lalake'

AMERKANO : ' I'm very happy that I'm here in your place.'
JUAN : 'Akong dakong kalipay nga ania ako sa inyong lugar'

AMERKANO : 'I know...'
JUAN : 'Nakahibawo ako....

AMERKANO: '...that all of you are THOUGHTFUL..
JUAN : ' ..nga kamong tanan DAGKOG NGIPON..'

AMERKANO : .....that all of you are FAITHFUL...'
JUAN: '.... nga kamong tanan DAGKOG TIIL...'

AMERKANO: '... and that, all of you are PEACEFUL...'
JUAN : '...nga kamong tanan DAGKOG NAWONG...'

Nabungkag ang meeting....nanglupad ang mga bato ug silya....!

[brilumz]

Duha ka amang nag away

Amang1:________________________
Amang2:_______________________
Amang1:_________________________
Amang2:_______________________



sabaa nila oi.haahha

[cebu_doki]

The Traveling Preacher

A traveling preacher finds himself in a tremendous rainstorm. Within a
few hours the hotel he is staying in becomes flooded. As the water
rises, the preacher climbs to the roof and starts praying. "Lord, save
me so I can continue on my mission of preaching your gospel."

Just then, a coast guard rescue party floats by in a rowboat. "Let's go
mister. Into the boat."

"I'll stay here," says the preacher, "The Lord will save me."

An hour later a second boat reaches the scene and the water is close to
the roof of the hotel. "Sir, you better get in, the water is still
rising."

"No thanks. The Lord will be my salvation."

Toward evening, the hotel is almost completely under water and the
preacher is clinging to the satellite dish on the roof.

A helicopter is spotted and on a loudspeaker is heard "Sir, grab on to
the line and we will pull you up. This is your last chance.

"I'm all right," says the preacher, "I know the Lord will provide
sanctuary." as he looks heavenward.

As the boat departs, the satellite dish is hit by lightning and the
preacher is killed.

When he arrived at the Pearly Gates he was furious. "What happened, "
he shouts. "I thought the Lord would provide!"

Moments later a thunderous voice is heard. "Gimmie a break pal. I sent
you 2 boats and a chopper"

=========================

Kids in school think quick

TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS : Maria!
===============
TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
FRANK : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
===========================
TEACHER : John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!
=================================
TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D- A-I-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
GLENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
=======================================
TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
============================
TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't~have ten years ago.
WINNIE : Me!
==================================
TEACHER : Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.



TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE : I is...
TEACHER : No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
=================================
TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
TINO : Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
==================================
TEACHER : George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand.
===================================
TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
===================================
TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog!
======================================
TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people~are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher.

[monrose29]

para lang nako ang storya ni fafi galvz na NOY NOAH .. kana mao gyud nay immortal na joke diri sa istorya.net

hahaha i miss you fafi...

[Jemaezing]

Kung ganahan kag lig-on nga relasyon, panguyab ug panday.

[brilumz]

Kumare ug Kumpare nag-abot sa Lotto Outlet Para magtan-aw sa result sa evening draw

Kumare: Sus, ang tunga ra jud ang deperensya!
Kumpare: Ahaka, wa jud muigo akong tumoy!
Kumare: Sus pare, kung ang imong tumoy dire pa natunong sa akong tunga pwerti untang lamia pare!

[stew_griff]

Juan ug pedro hubog
Pedro: juan uli sa ko, perteng utuga sa akoa, malipay jud si misis ani
juan: mao bah, cge uban ko nimo
Pedro: nganung muuban man ka?
Juan: alangan ako manang o**n imong gkuptan!!!

[cebu_doki]

DIVINE HEALING

*An elderly couple was watching TV when a TV evangelist came on air to pray for the sick.
The evangelist said.. "For those of you who are sick, I want to pray with you so that you can be cured of your sickness. Place your right hand on the part of your body that is suffering from disorder, and raise your left hand."
The husband placed his right hand on his privates, raised his left hand, and closed his eyes.
His wife saw what he did, and slowly whispered, "Honey, this prayer is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead!

NEVER INSULT ANYONE

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA
When the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese are you?"
The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean."
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"
Again, the Japanese was confused over the question.
The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you
....... Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......"
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked What kind Of 'key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of -kee' am I ?!"
The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"
*LESSON - NEVER INSULT ANYONE.*

Daddy's car in the woods?

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground
and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy
and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain
himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I
was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods
with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane
a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt..Then Aunt
Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to
see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell
his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I
saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to
look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take
off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then
Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and
Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'

Mummy fainted!