The Works Of Steven Wright
If you're not familiar with the works of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates!" His mind tends to see things a bit differently from the rest of us mortals. Here are some of his gems:
1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
3- Half the people you know are below average.
4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the
spot.
6- A conscience is what hurts when all your
other parts feel so good.
7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up
with the rain.
9- All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15- Depression is merely anger without
enthusiasm.
16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having
enough sense to be lazy.
18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good.
20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get
sucked into jet engines.
22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all
evidence that you tried.
26- A conclusion is the place where you got
tired of thinking.
27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29- To steal ideas from one person is
plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The Works of Steven Wright
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