He's my best friend... but then he loves me

[ulyssa_marie]

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This is kinda long.. so pls be patient when reading :
I have this guy friend, who im very close to. To me, he's equivalent to a best friend.When i look at him, i see a sibling, somewhat. Just like how us, girls, look at our best friends as sisters. Us girls, we have a tendency to tell EVERYTHING to our best friends. Now, i don't have too many "best" friends. In fact, i'm quite a loner. so losing a friend is something i want to avoid.

I am completely aware that he has romantic feelings towards me, however; he knows very well that i have someone else whom i'm committed to. But yet, since he knows that he and i will be nothing more, or nothing less than friends, he continues to stay by me with his feelings restrained.

Throughout my relationship with my bf, id experience frustrating arguments and doubts(which is normal), and id always confide to my friend to listen when i blabber or nag.
Just like friends, we sit and talk about the situation.
In usual cases, we talk on the phone and i complain about what's happening and he gives me advice or calms me down. He gave up his night life just to talk to me and keep me company (on the phone ofcourse). To me, talking on the phone for hours with best friends is absolutely normal.

BUT - He says he doesnt expect me to do anything in return, but he feels frustrated. That he doesnt benefit from this at all! because all he's done, by giving up his social life, sleep time, etc; and for what? just a friend? he felt like he was acting as a second-bf. that i was taking him for granted; he said it was cruel of me, knowing fully of his feelings for me, and yet i voluntarily use him as a relief when my bf doesnt give me the attention i expect.

Ofcourse, i felt terrible... guilty. I personally didnt think that i was doing anything wrong - i wasnt cheating. all i did was treat him like how i usually treat my best-friends. confiding in each other is what we girls do anyways. Perhaps i forgot that fact that he ISNT a girl, and that i crossed the line. I was the inconsiderate one.

Still, after that confrontation, he would still insist that i confide in him when i have problems, or want company. So, i acted like i always did. i never changed.

Deep down inside, i feel horrible. he does what he does coz of his emotions for me, even knowing that i cannot accept it. if i tell him not to be so affectionate 'coz it'll only be hurting him since i cannot accept his feelings, he insists that he does what he wants to.
And yet, times where he says that im selfish and ignorant of his efforts and show no appreciation for what he is doing.

I'm confused! If i do that, then i might very well be emotionally cheating on my bf, which i DO NOT PLAN on doing. and yet he still continues with his affection. I've turned him down many times but he voluntarily keeps at it.

How can i be the good guy , by not committing an offense to my relationship with my bf, and also not hurt this friend of mine?

[Iamalbertrebs]

Thats why I dont like communicating with a girl who is in a relationship.. (sad part I could fall in love with her the, the saddest part she couldnt be mine)

[anjerika]

you'll have to tell him straight about his role in your life. that way he will know his boundary and will know what to expect and what not to from you. If he still gets hurt in the process, iyaha sad na. actually there's nothing you should worry about coz you're not doing anything wrong to him. you're just treating him the way he should be treated as your friend. now, he's making you feel guilty because he has feelings for you while you only treat him as your second bf which is quite upsetting coz dili man ingon ana imong intention para niya diba, nga ma hurt siya. it's his call whether to allow himself wallow in his emotions for you and expect less while hurting or mu distansya usa siya gamay. yaw lang jud treat him like a bf coz lisod na hehe. i think i know how your guy friend feels coz i was caught up in that kind of situation sad before hehehe.

[ulyssa_marie]

you'll have to tell him straight about his role in your life. that way he will know his boundary and will know what to expect and what not to from you. If he still gets hurt in the process, iyaha sad na. actually there's nothing you should worry about coz you're not doing anything wrong to him. you're just treating him the way he should be treated as your friend. now, he's making you feel guilty because he has feelings for you while you only treat him as your second bf which is quite upsetting coz dili man ingon ana imong intention para niya diba, nga ma hurt siya. it's his call whether to allow himself wallow in his emotions for you and expect less while hurting or mu distansya usa siya gamay. yaw lang jud treat him like a bf coz lisod na hehe. i think i know how your guy friend feels coz i was caught up in that kind of situation sad before hehehe.

EXACTLY! i talked to him, and told him honestly that friends is all we will be. And he tells me that he knows that, and doesnt expect anything to happen. So even with him still showing affection, i've got this passive attitude to let him be, coz like u said, "it's his call". (i agree)

But he's my best friend and i do care for him. So i dont want him hurting either. I dont treat him as a bf. i dont even react to his affection. When he;s being sweet and all, i brush it off and react like how us girls react to each other. hahaha.. it's the only way i can turn it down without rubbing it into his face.

Sometimes i dont understand.. what benefit will he get from all this?. He's going through self inflicting pain .. but for what cause? *sigh*

[bowee]

@TS
put boundaries to your friendship.

Im sure you have other circles of friends that you would normally go and hang out with. Don't dwell on him alone.

That is why it is better to have a confidant friend who is a girl (for a girl also) than for guy friend because the emotions between the two of you can easily be twisted and screwed.

Again, You don't owe your guy friend anything at all. And you should again, draw a line between you and this guy friend of yours. Friends as it maybe... when he is already putting malice on your friendship (and gestures), then its time for you perhaps to look for someone else (other than him), to befriend with.

A friendship in the guise of malice of love to a friend is not healthy at all.

It will just create conflict to the one you love most and a big headache also on your part.

Leave while you can still leave. I'm sure your a nice girl who can befriend anyone and everyone. Look for someone that can just be your good ol' friend... nothing more and nothing less...(w/o putting emotional feelings in between the friendship.)

Good Luck TS...

[ulyssa_marie]

@TS
put boundaries to your friendship.

Im sure you have other circles of friends that you would normally go and hang out with. Don't dwell on him alone.

That is why it is better to have a confidant friend who is a girl (for a girl also) than for guy friend because the emotions between the two of you can easily be twisted and screwed.

Again, You don't owe your guy friend anything at all. And you should again, draw a line between you and this guy friend of yours. Friends as it maybe... when he is already putting malice on your friendship (and gestures), then its time for you perhaps to look for someone else (other than him), to befriend with.

A friendship in the guise of malice of love to a friend is not healthy at all.

It will just create conflict to the one you love most and a big headache also on your part.

Leave while you can still leave. I'm sure your a nice girl who can befriend anyone and everyone. Look for someone that can just be your good ol' friend... nothing more and nothing less...(w/o putting emotional feelings in between the friendship.)

Good Luck TS...

Actually, i already tried this. ( i couldnt include it in the thread post coz it'd just make it LOOONNGER. haha)

I didn't want to prolong his frustration and selfinflicting pain.. so i tried avoiding him at a point. He got angry at me asking if my friendship with him is worth throwing away so easy. I felt guilty coz i was the one who was selfish, but yet, i was doing it for him, and my sake as well.

Still, that didnt work. We were too good of friends to just leave it at that. And yet, he's still at it. I'm not saying that it's annoying. I'm just concerned coz i know it hurts for him. Even if he acts like it doesn't. I can only imagine how much a person can endure... *sigh*

[bowee]

Actually, i already tried this. ( i couldnt include it in the thread post coz it'd just make it LOOONNGER. haha)

I didn't want to prolong his frustration and selfinflicting pain.. so i tried avoiding him at a point. He got angry at me asking if my friendship with him is worth throwing away so easy. I felt guilty coz i was the one who was selfish, but yet, i was doing it for him, and my sake as well.

Still, that didnt work. We were too good of friends to just leave it at that. And yet, he's still at it. I'm not saying that it's annoying. I'm just concerned coz i know it hurts for him. Even if he acts like it doesn't. I can only imagine how much a person can endure... *sigh*

if you care too much for your friend, then I would sincerely doubt already what is really your true feeling for him.... I mean, yes you care for the friendship and all of the stuffs that you shared being a friend of him.. BUT!... he violated one golden rule in being friends.... He has fallen in love with you.

Now I know this wouldn't be a problem at all in the first place, if you feel the same for him sad... BUT you are not right? I mean you have a bf who loves you also. And it is totally wrong to entertain a feeling of being selfless to a friend who got hit by cupid's arrow and leading him on also (with his love)

TS... Please don't ever put yourself to your friend's shoes.. PLEASE DON"T... It would only aggravate and make matters worse only..

I know how you appreciate all his efforts in making and pleasing you. BUT AGAIN!, IT doesn't make it any better to entertain his appreciations, if his efforts are just in the guise of loving you.

Bear in mind you have someone already. That someone loves you also.

Stop feeling deep empathy to your friend. He is a guy, and like all guys... He can and will overcome this feeling to you soon. Just don't lead him on more to kindle the fire in him.

The more you show empathy to your friend, the more it might sounds like you also want him to fall for you.... and who knows.. you might just feel love for him as well... (without you noticing it)

Never feel that he has done all too much for you. The moment you show empathy to your friend is the moment you show how wrong your are in just leading him and torturing him over and over again.

[Attempt-Fight-Gear]

murg na in love naman ang TS sa iyang best friend ani pero she doesn't know it yet

[ulyssa_marie]

if you care too much for your friend, then I would sincerely doubt already what is really your true feeling for him.... I mean, yes you care for the friendship and all of the stuffs that you shared being a friend of him.. BUT!... he violated one golden rule in being friends.... He has fallen in love with you.

Now I know this wouldn't be a problem at all in the first place, if you feel the same for him sad... BUT you are not right? I mean you have a bf who loves you also. And it is totally wrong to entertain a feeling of being selfless to a friend who got hit by cupid's arrow and leading him on also (with his love)

TS... Please don't ever put yourself to your friend's shoes.. PLEASE DON"T... It would only aggravate and make matters worse only..

I know how you appreciate all his efforts in making and pleasing you. BUT AGAIN!, IT doesn't make it any better to entertain his appreciations, if his efforts are just in the guise of loving you.

Bear in mind you have someone already. That someone loves you also.

Stop feeling deep empathy to your friend. He is a guy, and like all guys... He can and will overcome this feeling to you soon. Just don't lead him on more to kindle the fire in him.

The more you show empathy to your friend, the more it might sounds like you also want him to fall for you.... and who knows.. you might just feel love for him as well... (without you noticing it)

Never feel that he has done all too much for you. The moment you show empathy to your friend is the moment you show how wrong your are in just leading him and torturing him over and over again.

haha you sound like my bf scolding me. he told me the same thing.

I see him like a best friend, in that manner where its like a she-best friend. I know that's not fair since he's not a girl, but i see him like a sibling. There was a time at the begining of the friendship when i was confused by that emotion, where i thought that maybe i MIGHT be developing romantic feelings for him, but over time, i realized that it was just that feeling of a sibling. I determined that and treated him that way.

I don't entertain his affection either. I simply brush it off as if i he didnt do anything. (he doesnt do anything phsycial by the way, just the sweet talk , etc)

i dont understand though why he keeps at it. Its obvious that i dont react nor accept, and yet it doesnt stop. what benefit is ther?? I have minimized my time with him though. he is pretty upset but he told me upfront that things wont be like it were.

To others that ive consulted, they say that it's just my nature of being "too nice" and not being able to say "no" to people coz i tend to empathize.

My bf is my main priority so i wouldnt do anything to betray that bond, thus ive minimized contact with my friend. I know in time he'll get over it...

you just cant help but feel guilty.. you know?

[jofer]

if he is truly ur friend then he wont pressure u and would expect one day you would wake up feeling the same way like he does. i also fell for my best friend before and she was also in a relationship. i finally realized that if i trully value our friendship, id better draw the line and accept that we can only be friends period.it will take time but i was very happy with my decision and are still best friends up to now.its him that is not putting value in your friendship by making you guilty and all the immature stuff.