straight from the heart...

it's weekend.no work.i cant sleep at this wee hour coz i am now used to being awake at night.as i watch my son sleeping,i cant help but pity him.he is just 2.he cant speak well yet.he cant even say "mommy"..he calls me "dadi" or sometimes 'adi',short for dadi.hearing him call me dadi actually breaks my heart.it is a sad truth that he'll never have his dadi.how am i going to explain to him someday where his dadi is?how am i going to tell him that his dadi left us?how am i going to explain what happened?
there are a thousand thoughts running in my mind right now.what if's and what could have been's.i know you both are living a very comfortable life.you dont know or even have the slightest idea how i struggled to make both ends meet.you dont know what sacrifices i have to make to provide for my son,to be able to buy him milk and especially his meds.
we are living a very different life.as you are enjoying the luxuries of life,we have to be contented with what we have.while you have everything,we are struggling.of course you wont understand that.you refused to understand when i begged you not to take his dad away from us.you wont understand everything ive gone through because youve never been in one of it.
i heard,you already have a baby.how was the experience?youre lucky he was there with you.did you know that i labored for two nights and nobody was there to hold me and comfort me?it is supposed to be a happy memory but no,hell no.how can it be happy when just 3 hours after delivery,he bid his farewell just so he can be with you finally?have you ever experienced crying while looking at him packing his things and you can do nothing because you are too weak?have you ever experienced bringing your child in the emergency?and when you tried to reach for his dad for help,he shunned you away?
i dont wish bad things for you.ive moved on,but the pain is still here,stabbing me everytime my son calls me 'adi'.i wish you all the luck in your family life.i wish that you will not experience even 5% of what ive gone through.i wish he'll be a good dad to your baby.i wish he'll be a good husband to you.i wish he will not do to you what he did to me.
as for me and my son,we will survive,we always do.we did when he left us to be with you.we did when you took him away.we did in difficult situations.and there's no reason why we cant in the future.i dont envy you,or your luxurious life.because while god gave you the best slice of cake,He is teaching us how to bake.