nitwit

For some reasons I just cant help myself but reminisce the person that I was years ago and the person that I am today. I've been labelled by my friends as a "woman who has it all" but do i really have it all?

Yes, we own many houses, companies, luxury cars ( things many people would dream to have) we seem to have it all except for HAPPINESS. I have tried and tried soo hard to be happy, i shop like crazy, throw parties for friends, go out, travel just about anywhere yet why am i still so miserable and lonely? Then I remember, years ago... I was just a country girl and a dreamer and I am probably one of those lucky people that have been able to make their dreams came true but why do I still have regrets? I feel like I will trade everything that I have today just to go back to that life I used to have because back then I know, I WAS REALLY HAPPY BUT NOW, IT'S LIKE I HAVE A HOLE IN MY HEART THAT NO MATTER WHAT I DO, i just cant go back. Every single day i feel like i am dragging myself deeper and deeper and I'm afraid one day, I'll just wake up and realise that I am beyond repair.

Today, while I'm sitting in our back veranda, watching everything that we've built all these years. A big pool that seldom been used, a jacuzzi and a sauna that has been there all these years yet no one ever used it. Money that we just wasted thinking it could help us ease the loneliness that we have but hopefully, one day I'll find the courage to walk away... to walk away from everything that we have here and hopefully be able to find myself somewhere... somewhere where I can just be happy. I have 8 months to think it over, 8 months whether to decide if I should end my marriage and start all over again.

I am not gonna mortgage my future for a whim. I am just not that sort of person but I have thought this over a hundred times. I dont wanna be waking up everyday knowing how the day will pan out, It'll be just like yesterday and the day before it and I dont think I can carry on knowing that no matter how I hide it, or how good of a pretender I am, I just cant fool myself any longer.

The feeling of deep sadness and loneliness and wanting to reach out yet I just can't, because no one's there. I am crumbling inside and no one seems to care enough.