Kagami-chan

Evening has come again, another day has ended. For me, it's another "day" starting. For the past couple of months, my body clock has been distorted. I ended up being awake the whole night. I could not sleep. I could not bear missing a feeding, and feeling the guilt of making my son "skipped" a meal when we're driven mad into putting weight on the scale for him.

As I picked my hungry little man, I've noticed how much I'm putting effort into picking him up now. I thought, it could be just a full diaper. As he happily feeds on his bottled milk, I suddenly remembered how it was back then...

I remembered feeling excited as I looked at the b&w print of our "diamond ring". 6weeks of his gestation. 133beats/min. How amazing is that? He's smaller than a bean, but his heart is beating that fast now.

Why is it such a big deal to me anyway?...

At 5 weeks, when pregnancy was way out of my mind, tiny red patches appeared on my skin. It might just be heat rash so I brushed it off my mind. The next day got worse! Lucky face was spared. I suddenly felt something choking me in silence. It was reality. I rushed to the hospital for further tests. First, it was blood work. They did not look good. It looked like a viral infection. I have to face a shadow I refuse to look at. I took a PT. After 2 long hours of waiting, the results finally came. I though I heard fireworks in my head. Positive. Congrats! I told my hubby with half feeling gloomy. That was ironic.

The next day we headed for my OB with a bit of hesitation. I told her everything I was worried about so she forwarded me to a contagious disease specialist. The doctor asked me if I was pregnant after looking at my red patches. I said a quick 'yes'. She did not help at all, I felt worse. She told me frankly that the symptoms I'm giving her are of the “Rubella Measles”. I thought my eyes felt warm and my throat tightened. I remembered my mom being exposed to this virus while pregnant. I did not meet my older sister. I only saw her in a few pictures my mom have of her. And they were even blurry!... She was a blue baby.

They could not do anything about it. The dr.'s could not help me. There is no treatment for rubella measles. It disappears on it's own course. What will happen to my tiny diamond ring?

We went back to my OB, and knowing the specialist talked to her on the phone, the room felt so gloom. Even she looked at me that way. I only remembered hearing miscarriage, stillbirth, and baby will have several congenital anomalies. She told me over and over again, to pray and pray that everything will be ok.

The next couple of days, my lymph nodes swelled like crazy. My joints swelled that I have to spare my fingers from my rings as they are literally killing my bloodflow. It's hard to even sit down, as my knees hurt and even my ankle. I put through it for 5 days as they slowly disappear. After a week, the measles have left.

As they say, after the storm comes the sun. It did not for me. After the storm, comes another storm. I was put into bed rest since knowing I had subchorionic hemorrhage. The following week, suddenly I saw a blood dropped in the toilet. I calmly opened the door and asked my mom to tell hubby we need to go to the ER... ASAP!

Was this it? Was this the one my OB mentioned to me?...

After a few attempts of catching where my baby's heartbeat is & calling my OB saying that there's no heartbeat, they finally found it. With a sigh of relief, we went home. It was found out that I have a cervical polyp which is causing the blood, and a slight infection. I was on bed rest again.

At home, I held my booklet “Lord of Pardon” which I got from my mom who had it with her for as long as I know. I prayed to God to keep my little one safe. I gave him to His loving hands, as he knows far more better what is for him, than I do. It was not easy saying so. I was so scared. What if God will take him away?

Questions just kept on hitting me like arrows from an invisible enemy that I wish to evade. Will I ever get to feel his kicks? Will I ever get to hold him soon as he is born? Will I ever get to hear his first cry? What would he look like? Will he be like me or like his father?... Will he ever take his first breath?

I kept being too hopeful I supposed. Because I kept praying every night for him to grow healthy and strong. What am I doing? I hope God will forgive me for being too demanding.

As days passed, the bleeding stopped soon after the polyp detached on its own but on my 13week ultrasound, they found that his placenta is low-lying. Another wave of bed rest that has caused my back to hurt already. For the next few weeks, I survived the storm. I could now see the sun. I enjoyed eating more, even my pregnancy milk that I used to hate so much even if it's flavored chocolate. Then came the clouds once more.

At 34weeks ultrasound, his measurements showed he dropped 6weeks behind the normal size for a 34week fetus. I looked into my ultrasound notes and found the word IUGR.

I could not wait for my OB's explanation the next day so I did my own research at that day. Intrauterine Growth Restriction. It's when the baby could not grow into his normal pace due to different factors limiting him. But what is keeping him from growing? There's an abnormality in his umbilical cord. He's a 2-vessel cord. It's supposed to be 3. The guilt I felt became heavy. He's not even born yet yet he's going through so much!

At my 35 week ultrasound, the sonologist found out an elevated SD ratio in his umbilical artery (SD 5.59 and cut off is 3) and it alerted them. I was told to refer it to my OB right away.

“In case” the baby will come sooner than expected, they checked his BPP (Biophysical Profile). My little one actually perfected it except for one. Breathing is zero. How I wish he will stay longer inside.

The next day we packed everything we needed to bring. Folding his baby clothes into his baby bag kinda torment my heart and mind. Something suddenly dawned on me... Will we ever get to use these clothes on him? I tried feeling my tummy, but he was calm. It was around 7pm when we finally reached the admitting section of the hospital. It was the beginning of the attack of the needles. I hate needles. These small to big needles. I was finally given steroid shots to mature baby's lungs.

The next day was another BPP. He perfected it again, except breathing is still zero. I remembered my Perinatologist telling me, “If he's meant to be yours, he will be yours,” quite a few times. She also told me we just need to be ready for the possible outcome of the baby.

I was given another dose of steroids.

It was a long, anxious 9 days in the hospital with every morning NST, doppler every after 6hrs, counting baby's movement within an hour or two (they have to be an average of 10 movements)... His next BPP came. Finally, all is good! God is so good! His lungs finally moved! The swollen elephant feet could not beat it!

Curious eyes find their way into my little corner as I lay on my empty bed. It was a very anxious waiting game.

On my Dec 5th ultrasound, things did not look good. My baby did not gain weight. My water also reduced. Perinatologist found out that his blood flow through his umbilical cord is increasingly risking him.

He was 36weeks and 2days. It was time to take him out.

My Perinatologist opted for a C-Section. She said that that there is no guarantee how he would cope with normal delivery.

I never had any surgeries before & I had a huge fear of needles due to my childhood experience & I was such a puppy to pain. Ironically, I was at peace. Deep down, I know it's what's best for him. I know he will be safer with this procedure. I did not complain, I did not even cry while my OB was explaining everything to me.

Ok doc, but can I stay awake at that time?

Honestly, I did not expect to say it that bold. My OB noted it for my anesthesiologist to know.

I want to hear his cry. Will it be weak? Or will it be strong?.. I did not even care if I freak myself during the operation. Then another question I ought to evade.

What if he will never cry?..

The labor room suddenly felt still. Then I closed my eyes and prayed.

“Lord, thy will be done.”

I do not hold my son's life, nor do I hold mine. These fragile lives are in Your hands.

An unexplainable peace came over me. I fell asleep, as I wait for the clock across my bed to strike one.

To be continued...