twistedANGEL25

July 26, 2012.
10.30PM.

I came from the pharmacy because I bought some of my Uncle's medicines(money was scarce at this time and his account got closed and the hospital bill was skyrocketing). I was happy because during the afternoon, his gastrostomy tuby was replaced with a sturdier one. I took a half bath, arranged my bed and was about to sleep, but when I did my check-at-my-Uncle routine before going to sleep, Orlan(the private duty nursing aide we hired) and me noticed that my Uncle's phlegm were plenty than the usual. When he coughed, it seems like there was a glass full of water of phlegm.

I turned on the lights and that's when I noticed that his fingertips and lips were so PALE. I immediately walked to the Nurse's Station to inform them of my Uncle's condition. They moved fast, one grabbed a BP apparatus and one grabbed the portable Pulse Oxymeter.

His O2 Stat was just 50.
It was low, in fact it was so LOW.
The normal O2 stat is 100.

His BP was 60/80.
It was low. Too low.

They monitored his blood pressure every 15 minutes, they immediately started an intravenous line... I was on the verge of tears, I just held it back because there were too many people. But when the doctor asked me if it would be okay to do a tracheostomy on him if worse comes to worst, that's when I broke down. Trying to be strong FELL APART. I told the doctor that I would call and ask my Mama , then I excused myself, got out of the room, stayed near the staircase and cried. I cried for a few minutes and then I got back inside the room.

I relayed to the doctor what my Mama's and Aunt's decision was. No tracheostomy for my Uncle. It would mean more pain for him. Hours passed by and still his O2 stat and BP were like a roller coaster. Going up and down, up and down. At 4am, again the doctor asked me if it would be okay for us if they would give him Epinephrine if his heartbeat stops... Again, I called my Mama, she asked the doctor how much it would cost. After learning how much the medicine cost, my Mama agreed. Epinephrine would be given. A few minutes after, my Uncle's condition was stabilized, his O2 stat was 90 and his blood pressure was a little high already. So I decided to lie down on the sofa, to rest because my back was aching(my back hurts when I sit and stand for long periods of time. And also it got worse when I lift and move my Uncle by myself when changing his diapers. Aides at the hospital sometimes took a long time.). I fell asleep.

July 27, 2012.
9.00AM.

When I woke up, the PDNA told me that my cousin's husband came inside the room to leave some stuff. My cousin was in labor! I was happy and excited, a baby in the family! I rushed outside and went to the DR waiting areas and talked with my cousin's husband. After a few minutes, I left.

9.20AM.

When I came inside the room, the PDNA just got done changing my Uncle's diaper. I did my check-at-my-Uncle routine before going to the shower, again I noticed that his fingertips were pale and his breathing interval took too long. The PDNA walked fast to the Nurse's Station, I stayed with my Uncle. I rubbed his chest and called his name countless of times, hoping that he would respond by turning his head and staring at me. But he didnt. He was staring at the other side of the room. I kept staring at his chest and stomach, to see him breathe but this time, he didn't.

I kissed his cheek, told him,

"Love you, Tito. Love you, love you. LOVE YOU."

I noticed him inhaling(I didnt know that it would be his last), then I rushed to the door, I saw the PDNA and some nurses walking towards the room. I was about to say that my Uncle Titing wasn't breathing, but I stuttered. "Wala... Waa...". When they got inside the room, they tried to get his pulse and his BP. There was none. One nurse called the doctor, one got out to get the crash cart. Tears were falling down my face and wouldn't stop. Then, he didn't breathe AT ALL.

The doctor came in and the crash cart was already there. They placed the portable pulse oxymeter on his finger, but it was blank. No heartbeat and oxygen level were detected. The doctor told the nurse to give my Uncle his first Epinephrine. No response. Second Epi, no response. Third Epi, no response. Fouth Epi, still no response...

The doctor asked me if they should give the fifth Epi. I was torn apart. I was confused. I was thinking that it shouldn't be me to make the final call. It should have been my Mama and my Aunt. They were his sisters. But they weren't there. They were still on their way to the hospital. It was all up to me and it was a very big weight on my shoulders.

I wanted them to give the fifth dose of Epi, but if my Uncle would be revived, the more he would be in pain and the more he would suffer.

I wanted them to not gibe the fifth dose of Epi, but I would be losing my Uncle if I made that decision...

With a heavy heart, I told them no more. It was time for my Uncle to rest. To go home. To be with my Lolo and Lola. If it was painful for us to see him suffer and fade away slowly, the pain for him would be doubled, tripled even. He isn't used to being like this. Depending on other people. Inacitve. He was never sick.

A nurse came in to attach an ECG machine to my Uncle, but the very moment that she turned on the machine, the line was flat. I was crying inconsolably, the doctor(who calls me Mam Jo) came to stand beside me and placed a comforting hand on my shoulder. I told her thank you, for taking care of my Uncle.

So I waited for them to finish cleaning up my Uncle, I was impatient for them to go out of the room. When they were done, I said my goodbye to my Tito.

"Thank you Tito. Thank you sa tanan nga natabang nimu sa amo. Love you, Tito. Love you."

I wiped my tears that fell on my Uncle's cheek, kissed him again and again and again. The PDNA told me as I was kissing my Uncle that my Uncle didn't have any regrets that I was the one who watched over him. That I didnt go home and didnt go out for over two months... I cried all the more.

July 27, 2012.
10AM.
Saddest time and date for me this year.