splendid moonlight

I’m a little bit embarrassed by some of my old posts here in istorya. The fact that your old posts show up somewhere in your profile the moment someone hits “like” doesn’t help. But if anything, I realize how much I’ve changed over the years.


For one thing, I no longer blame myself for relationships that didn’t work. Sometimes blaming one’s self - or in my own words “i could have loved u. and love u i did! wa lang nako ma tarong ug show” (I’m trying my very best not to puke right now) - is a form of denial. Back then I couldn’t accept the fact that someone no longer wanted me, so I had to make it seem to myself as if it was all my fault that the person no longer felt the same way. For some very twisted reason, sometimes it is easier to believe that perhaps something is lacking with you or that something is terribly wrong with you than face the fact that you were duped.

It's okay to admit that you’re wrong if you did something wrong. What’s not okay is to excuse the other person entirely (at the expense of yourself) when the other person obviously did something (it takes two to tango after all). On the other hand, sometimes there is no right or wrong. Shit just happens.

Whereas some of my posts are nauseating, some make me say “How did I know that back then? I'm amazing!”


Despite the changes, parts of me stay the same. I still can’t live without lotion, still love cats, still invent crazy games with anyone willing to play with me; but even sameness is sometimes a process in itself.


We’re like clouds, shape-shifting to the weathers of our lives (and I swear I wasn’t thinking of Jose Mari Chan’s “Constant Change” when I wrote that line).